If you are a man who really wants to please his partner in bed, read this.
It’s written for those who invest, men that are totally turned on by the concept of making their partner happy in bed.
It’s also for men who heard about sexless marriages and want to avoid it in their relationship. Heck, perhaps you even experienced a sexless relationship in the past and you don’t want to repeat this scenario with your current/future relationship.
It’s for you if you are the type that makes sure your partner has an orgasm before you do. You educate yourself about the best ways to care for your partner during sex. You master oral sex, or pussy massage, or any other skillful technique that is supposed to shoot fireworks through your partner’s spine.
It’s for you because you need to realize that your partner won’t be enjoying all these mind-blowing sex techniques unless you cover one thing first.
What you don’t understand about women and sex.
As a man, your brain switches off during sex effortlessly. Your woman, however, is not necessarily able to switch off her brain easily. Yes, even if you use the most amazingly-wowza sex move that you came across, ever. (See this article by Bez Stone for a sneak peek into what happens in your woman’s head while you’re giving her oral pleasure.)
Switching our brain off during sex is tricky for women due to a few reasons. Social conditioning is a major one.
It might be fine at the start of the relationship, when sex tends to be very exciting. During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, both men and women are enjoying the exploration. Getting to know each other is a process that extends into the lovemaking. Everything is new, and revealing the unfamiliar territory of a new partner is energizing.
But once the excitement starts to fade, old patterns emerge.
This is when, even if you do your best to keep your partner satisfied sexually, things might go pear-shaped for her. She might keep on doing the same things, making all the right moves and all the right sounds. She might still make an effort to please you. Yet, actually, her mind wonders elsewhere.
Our minds are actually working hard to make sure we’re not present because we shouldn’t be enjoying sex. See, while both men and women have been affected by a lifetime of exposure to the wrong ideas about sex, usually women are the ones to carry a subconscious belief that sex is “dirty”, “bad”, or “dangerous”.
Obviously, some women don’t have any of these issues and they keep on enjoying sex easily and naturally. If that’s your woman, you don’t have to read the rest of this article.
But the problem is, many women love sex to start with, and later on they stop enjoying it. And you (or her) would not know it until it already happens. So it might be worth it to try this one thing to be on the safe side.
Women don’t understand it themselves.
We grew up in a society that delivers a sexual understanding that stems from a male perspective of sexuality.
We think we are supposed to respond to sexual cues in a specific way. It works for (most) men and for some women. However, many women are unsatisfied sexually because they try to fit themselves into a sexual model that simply does not work for them. And as they were never exposed to a different paradigm, they end up being more and more frustrated and finding no relief.
No matter how amazing your sex techniques are, no matter what you do to make sure she comes first, it won’t help if your woman is starting the process of shutting down sexually.
And the biggest problem that you’re facing, as a loving partner that wants to please his woman, is that, most probably, she is feeling uncomfortable letting you know what is bothering her. In many cases, women feel too embarrassed to admit – even to themselves – that they’re unhappy with their sex lives.
So your woman is unsatisfied with her sex life, even though you are still so dedicated and go above and beyond to please her in bed. She doesn’t know why. She probably feels guilty without even realizing it, and now for two reasons:
1. She’s feeling guilty for having sex because sex is “dirty”;
2. She’s feeling guilty for not enjoying it because she knows you are doing your best to satisfy her.
And if that’s the case for her, no matter how hard you try to please her sexually, it ain’t gonna work.
What is going to work?
Making a paradigm shift.
To make sure that your long-term partner stays satisfied sexually, you need to be the facilitator of the paradigm shift.
Which paradigm shift, you ask?
The one that takes everything you both believe about sex and trashes it. Gone.
It’s the shift that changes the emphasis from having an exciting sex life, to a fulfilling sex life.
This type of sex does not have an end goal of an intense orgasm. Instead, its goal is to increase the intimacy between you.
The type of sex that you are not exposed to in our society’s conventional depictions of sex.
Which is also the type of sex that does not associate itself with guilt, shame, and other uncomfortable feelings.
Mindful sex has the potential to make the required shift.
Because it’s so far removed from the way we normally think sex should be – it allows your woman to explore and accept her true sexual potential. With no pressure to achieve a goal. Just be, and connect. that’s it.
There is no specific technique as such, only guidelines to consider.
The most important guideline is to make sure you are both present. Here and now.
In order to do that, it’s wise to tap into sensuality instead of sexuality.
This means soft touches. Stroking areas in your body that don’t overly excite or build sexual tension. Enjoying hugs and gentle kisses.
Tune down the passion and turn up a calm, playful attitude.
Don’t worry about orgasms – hers or yours – and remember connection and affection.
Penetration can be included as long as you are both able to sustain the depth of the connection. Which is why you’ll have to keep it very slow. Nearly motionless. No thrusting. Just being inside your woman. Don’t worry about maintaining your erection, too. If it goes away, continue enjoying your mindful session without it.
Whatever type of touch you choose, look at your partner’s eyes. See if she’s still with you or if she wishes to be somewhere else.
Ask her –
“What can I do to get you to come back to being with me now?”
How much Mindful Sex to apply in your life.
The actual approach will change a bit, depending on the stage of sexual disconnect that is already showing up in your lives.
If you are still mostly enjoying your sex life together, the suggestion is to introduce mindful sex every now and then on top of your conventional sex sessions.
If you notice that your spouse is at a space where she’s not fully with you sexually, if she avoids sex or rejects your advances, I would recommend having only mindful sex until things improve significantly.
And if your relationship is already at the sexless-marriage end of the scale, the secret is to completely abort any touch that your partner will interpret as something that-would-lead-to-sex. If that’s where you are at your relationship, you will most probably need more help than simply reading an article. Seeing a couples therapist or a sexologist will be appropriate.
If this was too long here’s the summary.
If you want to keep your partner sexually satisfied, first and foremost, make sure she is able to switch off her brain. Only then apply any technique that turns you both on.
You could also opt in for the free mini e-course. It’s written for women but if your woman is a bit insecure about her sexuality, I would highly recommend taking the course yourself instead of her.