We’ve been seeing each other for nearly 6 months now.

Not regularly and not all that often, I’m afraid, but enough to have lots of sex.

Which we both enjoy. Tremendously.

And we have both not had an orgasm whilst having sex with each other.
Not even once.

I suppose some people might raise an eyebrow.

Perhaps some will not believe that it’s possible to enjoy and feel completely satisfied sexually without an orgasm. If that’s you, this article might be of interest.

One of the things I promote in my writing and teaching is that — 

Sex with a partner is about the connection created between two people and not about the orgasm.

Not to say there’s anything wrong with orgasms.

Although some claim that having an orgasm during partnered sex is a cause for friction in a romantic partnership, I haven’t personally experienced it. 

What I have noticed, however, is that believing that orgasms have to happen, or that they are the measure that determines if my sex life is good or not, is detrimental to my sexual satisfaction. 

I don’t avoid orgasms. If they happen, I let them take me over. And if they don’t happen, I’m still usually very pleased with sex. 

But let me tell you when I’m not happy.

If, for some reason or another, I start desiring an orgasm whilst having sex, and it doesn’t happen. Oh boy, then I feel frustrated.

A couple of weeks ago, however, I did start to worry.

I thought something might be off.

After all, in my previous relationships, I had my share of orgasms. Not every time I have had sex, but they did happen all by themselves every now and then.

In my current relationship, that hasn’t happened yet.

I found myself wondering if something was wrong.

I started analyzing the probable causes. After all, sex is different in this relationship compared to the previous one in many ways. But I quickly realized that this type of thinking makes me focus on the wrong thing.

Instead of being joyful in the moment and surrendering to beautiful sexual experiences, I spent time worrying about a lack of orgasms. And obviously, it didn’t make me happier.

It also made me feel like a hypocrite. On the one hand, I’m always telling people to stop obsessing about orgasms and just notice pleasure whilst having sex. An on the other hand, here I am worrying and thinking something might be off simply because both my man and I have not had an orgasm with each other.

Then, I had a wink from the universe. As if to reassure me that all is well.
Last time my man and I had sex it was so amazingly over the moon fantastic, that it was off the charts. Without any orgasms.

I know some of you still won’t believe me. Or at least, you might be thinking that even if I enjoy myself, my man couldn’t possibly be.

I mean, how can a man be sexually satisfied if he doesn’t orgasm or ejaculate?

Surely he must be exasperated.

And by the way, for all you readers who understand that a man can orgasm without ejaculation, I am talking about not orgasming, as opposed to “not ejaculating”.

Oh, and another by the way, he has no Erectile Dysfunction nor does he have any medical condition that makes it impossible for him to orgasm or ejaculate.

It’s just something that he decided upon, long before he met me. He didn’t want to make orgasms the focus of his sexual experience with a woman. And he found it to be so rewarding that he’s not missing his orgasms.

The Taoists have long promoted sex without ejaculation.

They approached sex as a natural, important aspect of human life.

They believed that practicing sex the right way enhances vitality and longevity. And the right way, according to Tao masters, is for the man to avoid ejaculation, which they believed is depleting of life force:

The art of the bedroom consists of suppressing emissions, absorbing the woman’s fluids, and making semen return to strengthen the brain, thereby attaining longevity. 

(Dynastic History of The Later Han, Pien Chang) 

Both my man and I are no Taoists, though. I take their teachings with a grain of salt. Although some of the Taoists teaching is very appealing, I am often left wondering if their approach to sex has as much to do with guarding their patriarchal, polygamous society as caring for the longevity of their followers.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with orgasms or ejaculating.

In fact, both me and my man love getting off when we’re enjoying solo sex.

When we masturbate, it’s a different mindspace.

It’s all about relief from a certain pressure.

Sure, if we were living together, or seeing each other very often, perhaps we would have sex with each other just to go for that relief every now and then, who knows.

These days, though, when we end up seeing each other, sex is an intense way to connect to each other. And we usually have such a good time that pursuing an orgasm becomes a hindrance.

I know we both could make an effort and get an orgasm to happen. But I would hate sex to just become technical mastery instead of what it is now: a celebration and exploration of each other’s body.

And I do think that we will experience an orgasm with each other one day. Because I know that an orgasm can come uninvited, all by itself. When an orgasm decides to pop its head up, I will welcome it.

But even if my man or I never have an orgasm with each other, our sex life is so awesomely terrific that it wouldn’t change our lovely experience of sex one single iota.