Actually, I Might be a Prude.

I had a fight with my ex yesterday.

We met for what was supposed to be a catch-up and a swim in the ocean, and we ended up in a tangle.

I accused him of wanting to have sex with me, he accused me of being a prude. What can I tell you, it was not much fun.

Now I started thinking … perhaps I am being a prude?

After all, we both feel deeply for each other. Neither of us have had sex since we broke up nearly 5 months ago. And having sex with him is really beautiful. I admit I miss it. So why am I being such a prude?

Of course, I do have my reasons.

After examining it closely, I realized that this is the first time since we got together that I actually know that we don’t want to be with each other.

I was OK having sex with him so long as there was a shred of doubt in my mind that maybe, somehow, we will find a way to manage our mismatches and end up together.

But I do not want to have sex with him knowing for a fact that we both are looking for someone else. For some reason, this makes me sick to my stomach.

But why?

Funnily enough, while I was writing this article, a friend which I was looking forward to hearing from, suddenly called me.

She was sharing her current love-life woes.

She was telling me how she misses having sex with her friends. See, she’s not seeing her partner often enough to satisfy her sexual desires. In her ideal world, she would have met a different friend each day to have sex with. These are all friends which she loves dearly, and she used to see them regularly for sex without any issues whatsoever. Before committing to her current partner, that is.

And it got me thinking.

Why am I being such a prude?

Why can’t I just love my ex, enjoy having sex with him, and not want us to be together?

Why do I feel physically ill thinking that we could just enjoy having sex every now and then while searching for our ideal life-partner? Geez, our love life was so lovingly beautiful.

Why can’t I do it? Why am I being such a prude?

I know why.

It is somehow ingrained in my psyche, that having sex with someone is about romance and commitment. I probably have some sort of a monogamy gene in me.

Whereas for my friend, she was brought up in a culture where sex is this fun activity that no one takes too seriously. You do it wherever and whenever desire arises.

Perhaps I could adopt her views.

I know many people who grew up in the exact same culture as I did but decided to challenge the norms. People who take their sex life lightly and with an adventurous spirit.

Still, I am more conservative.

The fact that I write about sex, and that I admit I enjoy having sex, does not mean that I think sex is an afterthought.

I know that sex can confuse me. It can make me attached to someone that I don’t want to be attached to.

Especially when it’s done the way I like. The way I enjoyed it with my ex: slowly, consciously, lovingly.

I wish I could easily overwrite my conditions.

But for the time being, I guess I am a prude.

I originally published this article on P.S. I Love You