All You Wanted To Know About Sex –

And finally, you had someone to ask.

Here are some questions I received from my readers lately, including my answers.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions of your own.

Question 1:
HOW TO OPEN UP AND TALK ABOUT SEX WITH MY PARTNER?

How do I get past talking about what I want, what makes me have an orgasm? 

How do I approach the subject of my boyfriend not taking more time with me?
I love him a lot and I don’t want to hurt him or make him think he’s not good enough,
I can’t seem to get a word out about these things.
Every time we sex it’s the same – he has an orgasm and is all happy, I act like everything is fine and I go home usually and masturbate.
I know he wants to please me but we aren’t talking about it.


Answer 1:

Unfortunately, in our society, we learned that it’s normal for the guy to have all the fun with sex,
And we need to just make sure that he enjoys himself.
Especially if he cares about us and makes some effort to make it good for us, too.
If we say anything – he might be hurt, right?

Things is, – and please don’t hate me for saying this – 
The only way to enjoy sex is to learn how to be open about it.
Find the courage to talk about it.
I know it ain’t easy – 
I spent many years having unsatisfactory sex just because I was too embarrassed to say anything…
And I can tell you this: once you start talking about it, it gradually becomes easier.
Not immediately. But it gets better the more we practice and we become more and more comfortable talking about it.

Here are a couple of suggestions re how to go about it.

1) Introduce your boyfriend to slow sex.
Perhaps let him know you stumbled upon my website and you were curious and you were wondering if he is willing to read.
Slow sex is a paradigm changer and it is so different from “normal” sex that it feels purer, you know?
Which makes it easier to talk about it.

2) Find someone – anyone – that you might be able to talk to about sex. A therapist, perhaps. 
Practice, practice, practice, and vent out all these words and emotions that are bubbling inside you and waiting for a way out.
To start with, it seems awkward, even horrible to talk about sex, but after a while, it becomes easier and then it liberates us and makes sex an amazing thing to talk about and an enjoyable activity to immerse yourself in.

Question 2:
HOW TO FEEL AROUSAL WITH A PARTNER?

A question I have about sex, regarding arousal.

As a teenager, arousal appeared either through looking at porn or having a fantasy.

Now, though, it is a struggle to get aroused.
Any ideas on how to simply be aroused with your partner?


Answer 2:

Thanks for trusting me with this question,
But I am missing a few basic details in order to answer correctly.

Have you ever been aroused by a partner?
Are you attracted to her physically?

A simple answer would be,
If you are able to share a fantasy with your parner (start with one that you think they will feel comfortable with)
Bring them into your fantasy world and see if that helps.

Another option is to stop watching porn for a few weeks 
And when you are with your partner, forget about sex,
Just focus on sensual touches. Gradually (after a few weeks or even months) 
You can bring the genitals into the sensual party,
But stay in the sensual “zone” the entire time.

Sex that is more sensual in nature is not considered so “exciting”, but it is amazingly pleasurable.

Question 3:
HOW TO OVERCOME ANXIETY AROUND PERFORMING ORAL SEX?

I have a ton of anxiety around performing oral sex. I have spoken w therapists and the answer tends to be “just go for it”. Except I can’t. I literally have a panic attack,
I’ve not been sexually abused or had any negative sexual encounters (orally either).
How can I work through this?


Answer 3:

Thanks so much for trusting me with your questions.

Regarding oral sex, there is no manual that says it’s a must, regardless of what anyone might have told you.
You don’t have to do it if it’s not your thing. And sex can still be enjoyable for everyone.

I wrote an article once that might help you if you still want to push your boundary into performing oral sex:
What to do if you don’t like oral sex and your partner does.

Question 4:
HOW CAN I WANT TO WANT TO HAVE SEX?

I love the flirty fun beginnings with some relationships, the excitement and passion,
But I never felt that way for the man I married.
I love him, I’m attracted to him but he was never that guy for me.
How can I feel that excitement or something similar?
A deep desire?
We also have a 4-year-old so that can be An obstacle (energy, timing, etc)


Answer 4:

It happens a lot, and having a young child and a busy lifestyle does not help with our desire levels.
But if it’s something we cherish, we need to set some time for it, have that “date night”
(or “sex night”) scheduled in, and make it something special, something to look forward to.

I wrote two articles that might be helpful for you to read:
How can I want to want to have sex?
and:
Parents of young children: how often do you have sex?

Question 5:
SHOULD I FANTASIZE DURING SLOW SEX?

Is it better/normal to imagine the next move with my men in bed for more arousal even in mindful sex? I mean to fantasize. 


Answer 5:

It is completely normal to fantasize about the next move when having sex.
While having slow sex, I would recommend to try and avoid that: try to stay in the moment.
Make sure THIS moment is where you WANT TO BE IN. 
But that doesn’t mean that fantasizing is wrong, or that it’s not normal.

Question 6:
WHAT ABOUT PRODUCTS FOR ENHANCING AROUSAL?

Would you suggest buying products for enhancing arousal? I am not always in the mood.
And when I am not fully aroused, having sex hurts and I cannot enjoy it.


Answer 6:

Absolutely.
I’m not a fan of vibrators – but I always say yes to healthy lubricators and natural aphrodisiacs.
Lubrication is super important, and if you fully want penetration 
(not because you want to please your partner – but because YOU really want it)
And at that moment your body is not producing enough lube to make it pleasurable
Then, by all means, put that lube on!

I also like massage oils that have scents that supposedly help with arousal.
Even if they just smell nice, this can help me to put me in the right mood.
My personal favorite brand is Good Clean Love – I simply adore this company and their products.
If you purchase from them, you can apply the coupon code MAYA10 at checkout for a 10% discount.

Question 7:
IS PRE-MARITAL SEX BAD FOR OUR SPIRITUALITY?

I am a lover of Christ and a highly dedicated one.I am in a serious relationship with another devotee.

We do have sex (pre-marital sex), but believe me apart from the sex we also love each other. 

Should we still be having sex?
Or is sex a distraction from our spiritual life and we should wait until marriage?


Answer 7:

Although I do love Jesus – I am not Christian.
I do not believe there is anything wrong with pre-marital sex.
As long as it’s done with love, respect, and both partners are enjoying it, and it brings them closer together – 
And also as long as no-one else gets hurt – I think sex is an important part of our lives.

Make sure you are both enjoying it,
Make sure you both want it,
And I personally believe that Jesus would not think there’s anything wrong with it.

Question 8:
HOW CAN I ENJOY SEX AGAIN WITH MAY PARTNER IF I HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION?

I feel like I am broken sexually.
My husband and I used to have really great sex but lately it is so bad
We don’t do it very often. Like once every six months.
I don’t know how to get back to positive enjoyment.
I have a medical condition that makes it uncomfortable and I don’t have deep orgasms just surface ones that aren’t fulfilling. How do I get back to real enjoyment?


Answer 8:
It ain’t easy going back to awsome sex after we fell off the wagon,
And having medical issues makes it even more complicated.

So here’s my short suggestion.
First, treat your condition.
Look at alternative therapies, and find something that makes sense for you.
Don’t just settle for conventional medicine’s answers.

As for bringing back the good ol times,
Can you decide to have a sensuality date? Once a week?
Book it in your calendars.
Give each other a sensual massage, or whichever type of touch the other person appreciates.
This can turn into sex – but it doesn’t have to.
It’s about bringing excitement and pleasure back into your lives.
But you both need to want to invest your time and energy into it.

Question 9:
HOW TO LET GO IN BED?

How do I learn to enjoy – instead of focusing too much on the act/the positions/mutual fulfillment?
It’s often too much in my head. And not in my body. Feeling stressed.
Have a loving new partner who says he adores me. So I’m lucky! Just need some tools. 


Answer 9:
Learning to let go in bed is the million-dollar question, 
Lots of women have a very similar issue.
I once wrote an article that might give you some insight into how to let go in bed:
How to Let Go in Bed.

For me personally, mindful sex has been the magic pill.
Focusing (and re-focusing, again and again) the attention on bodily sensations is easier when sex is done slowly and sensually.

The only thing that you need to do now is give it a go,
And accept that it might take a while to be able to fully let go, and that’s OK.
The more you practice it, the better it becomes.

Question 10:
I ENJOY SEX BUT I NEVER WANT IT UNTIL MY HUSBAND WANTS ME TO

I’ve always been lazy about sex.
I rarely feel like having it, but once I get started I have fun.
I’d like to change my perception of it, not seeing it as something that I have to do since it turns it into a chore. 
I think that I have to start thinking of sex as something that I do for me, but I have a hard time. I also have a hard time letting go and turning my brain off.

I love my husband very much, and our sex together is good. So why don’t I Crave it? And it’s not just with him, in my previous relationships, it was the same. 


Answer 10:

You are wondering why you never want sex – although you do enjoy it when you have it.

Well, you are not alone!
Yours truly, plus lots of other men and women, experience a similar thing.
There is nothing wrong with it.
This is called Responsive Desire (I wrote about it here).

We think that desire just happens all by itself – 
Because sometimes (usually, at the start of a relationship), it just does.
Plus that’s how we see it in movies and books.
People just look at someone else and BOOM – they desire them.

Well, it is far from reality.
Responsive desire does not kick in until we start feeling sexual pleasure in our bodies.

So as long as you understand this, and your partner understands this, you’re fine.
And you are not lazy!
The best solution is to have regular, planned, sex dates.
It might seem like the last thing you want to do when you schedule them…
But once you start, it’s usually so rewarding.

Question 11:
ACTING OUT MY FANTASIES AND UNDERSTANDING IF I AM BI-SEXUAL

I am a happily married man, but in my fantasies, I also enjoy being with a man.
Do you think I should act and make my sex fantasy a reality?
My wife years ago also enjoyed being sexually active with her women friends.
Do you think that men and women are bisexual?


Answer 11:

I think – as long as no one involved in your life gets hurt – 
Trying new things is awesome.

I think that putting ourselves into boxes of “bi” or “hetero” or “homo” is irrelevant.

Just do what feels right for you at the moment (doing your best not to hurt anyone, of course).

Who you feel attracted to, and who you want to have sex with, should not define you in any way shape or form.

Now the question is how to go about it without hurting your wife, the answer depends on you both and on the type of openness and relationship you share.

Question 12:
MINDFUL SOLO-SEX

My question for you is related to solo-sex.
I’m living alone and without a romantic partner.
I want to be able to nurture and connect sexually with myself by myself. Masturbation just to climax feels transactional to me.

Any advice on how to make masturbation or self-pleasure more like slow mindful sex with a partner?
I find myself mentally needing to think of my ex or needing external stimulus like porn.
Often these methods make me feel less emotionally satisfied after the fact. 


Answer 12:

In short, the answer is, masturbation slow style is all about exploring your body.
Exploring and noticing: is there pleasure? Is there something uncomfortable?
Try to create a “map” of your body, outside and inside.

Masturbating with a goal of just learning your body instead of reaching an orgasm is lovely…
But then again, enjoy the old fashion pleasuring when you feel like it, too.

I actually wrote about this topic once, you can read a more elaborate answer here.

Question 13:
ENDOMETRIOSIS, SEXUAL TRAUMA, AND DIFFICULTIES ENJOYING PENETRATION 

I suffer with my self-image when it comes to sex.
I have endometriosis and a history of sexual trauma.
I am married now and I can’t fully have proper sex, it’s too painful. I am way too tight for penetration.
I have also not orgasmed in a year through sex or any other means.
I feel as if my body is flawed and I genuinely don’t have any desire to be sexual or have sex.
My partner has been very understanding but I always feel like I’m letting him down because due to me, he cannot have a full sexual experience either. 


Answer 13:

Endometriosis is not an easy condition to have,
And I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you.

I would like to recommend two approaches.
First, with regards to sex for you and your partner.
Please engage in as much physical touch as you can that doesn’t hurt.
This could include hugs, kissing, massages, etc.
Focus on slow sensual touches.
And, if you like, you can make him sexually satisfied without penetration – you just need to be creative.
And remember to enjoy the fun of exploring each other’s bodies along the way.

Second, I highly recommend seeing a therapist that specializes in Somatic Experiencing.
It’s a model that connects body-mind-spirit and it’s highly effective in releasing trauma from the body.
It might not heal your endometriosis but it has the potential to create a drastic change for the better.

Question 14:
I RESIST HAVING SEX

I have had a hard time getting turned on and the want to have sex for the last 13 years.
It can feel like a chore. I can think I want to have sex and then when it comes time I resist it.
I don’t like feeling resistant, I love my partner and I want to feel absolute connection in all ways.
I don’t want to feel resistant.

It’s with any partner usually at first it’s really exciting and then shortly after it starts to dwindle.
I’m in my early thirties and feel like this shouldn’t be an issue.
I want to be a sexy goddess dang it! How can I achieve this desire? 
I also have an issue with orgasms without clitoral stimulation, and I have a hard time communicating how to make it feel good to my partner. They can try for 30 minutes and nothing, it feels like an endless thing and it’s hard when I’m not super turned on. 


Answer 14:

It seems to me like you have an internal (unconscious) battle.
On the one hand, you would love to be this amazing lover that desires and enjoys sex.
On the other hand, when it comes to actually having sex, something is holding you back.
It’s very common – especially for women, unfortunately.
See, even if we never had any acute trauma, we have absorbed from everywhere around us that there’s something wrong with sex.

Actually, there is something wrong with the way sex is depicted in most places around us.
But I won’t get into that.

Let me just say that the “brakes” that hold you back are natural and normal.
And now your job is to learn how to release those brakes. Or, in other words, “let go”.

It’s not easy.
The method I recommend to most women is by tapping into the slow sex realm.
It is such a game-changer, and because it looks nothing like what we think sex “should” look like,
There is less resistance and it’s easier to let go.

So here’s the plan.

Book a “slow sex” date with your partner.
Make sure it’s at a time that is convenient for both of you,
And dedicate at least two hours for the entire experience.

Start in advance by getting ready to that day,
Mentally and emotionally.
Then, take as long as you want for sensuality.
Don’t think sex – think eroticism, massages with natural-scents and oils,
Think laughing and enjoying each other.
And maybe – just maybe – after you had ample amount of sensuality and play – 
Move to a more traditional lovemaking space. Optional only.

Do this on a regular basis and see what happens to your sex life…