A woman that recently finished the free e-course wrote to me:
I did not orgasm but was totally fulfilled with my sexual experience. However, my partner felt that he had failed to satisfy me and that he was not a good enough sexual partner.
It is quite common for a man to feel like a failure if he thinks his woman was “meant to oragsm” and she didn’t, and I will address this later in the article.
But there is another issue at stake. And I realized people can get the two mixed up:
The difference between giving up something, and accepting it.
I mean, how can we know for sure if someone is content? Perhaps they just say they are OK to make us feel better?
And how do we even know for sure ourselves?
Sometimes, we give up on something but we tell ourselves that we have accepted it. It might look similar but it’s quite the opposite, really.
Giving up vs. accepting.
When we are faced with a situation that we don’t like, our natural response is to resist it. We usually try and find our way out. We do our best to manipulate and change it in order to make it more to our liking.
At times, after a few attempts of resolving the situation that did not go well, we might give up.
We say to ourselves that it’s OK. That we can live with it. And we convince ourselves that we can accept the situation as it is. But this is not true acceptance.
Internally, we have been defeated. This is how giving up looks like.
Externally, it looks almost the same as acceptance.
However, when we accept a situation we did not use to like, we are somehow rewiring our essence to rejoice in the situation as it is. To start with, there might still be some resistance. But when it drops, the situation that once used to frustrate us shines with all its glory and there is real joy in it for us. We don’t need to convince ourselves that it is amazing as it is — it isamazing as it is.
Some people don’t believe me when I say that I enjoy sex without orgasming.
We have been conditioned in our society to equate the enjoyment of sex with the presence of an orgasm and we are looking for it, aiming for it, and efforting it.
There is nothing wrong with this, obviously. Orgasms do seem like the highly anticipated crescendo of a well-played piece of art.
Back in the days when my sex life was not that great (to say the least), I believed this paradigm as well. I was always geared toward chasing this amazing explosive experience. And, after years of trying hard to make it feel “like it should”, of applying techniques that were supposed to make it more exciting, still, it was bland. Disappointing. Painful. Awkward.
Then, by changing my mindset just a touch, the shift toward fully enjoying my sex life has happened. Slow sex has become my “thing”.
The shift was gradual.
To start with, I was still hoping for that elusive orgasm to arrive. But since now at least the journey was immensely enjoyable, I was OK with not having an orgasm.
Then, the more I practiced slow sex, I noticed the shift is deepening.
To the degree that these days, while having sex, I have a strong preference toward not orgasming than orgasming. Don’t get me wrong, I still love it when I have an orgasm, but not necessarily more than when I don’t have one. The presence — or lack of — an orgasm when I have sex is not what determines my satisfaction. Moreover, I don’t enjoy the efforting of an orgasm. The focus of “making an orgasm happen” is something I shun away from. I much rather simply enjoying the sex session and looking with curiosity at what might happen next. At times, there’s an orgasm. At times, there isn’t. And the only times I do feel disappointed is when I somehow slip into the “trying to achieve an orgasm” mindset.
Then, some people don’t believe me. Which is totally OK, of course. It doesn’t change my experience. I am not seeking validation from anyone about my subjective experience.
But it can become a bit complicated if the man I am with doesn’t believe me.
What to do if your partner feels bad because you did not orgasm.
There’s not much you can do about someone else’s feeling.
Nevertheless, if your partner feels bad because you didn’t orgasm, while all the same, you feel like the sex was great regardless, there are a couple of things you could do.
Appreciate his effort. It’s beautiful that a man cares enough about you to take to heart that you did not orgasm. Thank him for being the caring partner that he is.
Validate his feelings. Maybe there’s nothing to feel bad about, but he still feels bad. Telling someone not to feel the way they do is rarely helpful in any situation.
Don’t try to convince him if he doesn’t believe you. Externally, it is impossible to tell the difference if someone gave up on having an orgasm or truly accepted it. So he might think you are not actually satisfied. It’s OK. Be honest with yourself, be honest with him, and let him believe whatever he wants to believe. If you’re happy but he thinks you’re not? It’s just another sign that he cares about you.
It’s the long run that counts.
You know what? Even when practicing slow sex, sex can be disappointing sometimes. It can be less than optimal. Some sex sessions are blissful — but not all of them. Actually, it is one of the first things you realize when you start practicing mindful sex: sex is not supposed to be one way or another. It is simply what it is at any given moment.
But practicing sex this way will give you ongoing satisfaction from your sex life overall.
At the end of the day, if you are truly fulfilled with your sex life, your partner will be able to tell the difference. Your continuing enjoyment of sex will shine through your entire relationship, not through a specific sex session. And this is the true indicator that you have, in fact, accepted sex as it is, as opposed to gave something up.