Meet the confident lover. A lover that expects that every sexual encounter will be absolutely enjoyable, both for themselves and for their partner. He or she is assured that what they do in bed will result in satisfaction.
For the confident lover, sex is fun, exciting and fulfilling. Time and time again.
Would you like to know what makes a confident lover?
First, a clarification: Self-esteem, Confidence, competence, and Arrogance.
Self-esteem: People with a healthy self-esteem know that they are good enough. They are good in some things, average in other areas of their lives, and suck at a few. Generally, they respect themselves for who they are and they accept themselves – flaws and all – at least most of the time.
Having a healthy self-esteem does not mean you will have confidence in every area of your life.
Confidence: Confidence is specific to a certain aspect of life. Some people might be confident in their professional life but lack confidence when it comes to, say, dating. When you are confident, you have the conviction that what you are envisioning will happen. Doubts do not enter your mind when you are confident in something. It’s an inner knowing that is so strong, that nothing can shake it. I bet you are very confident that the sun will rise tomorrow morning, right? Well, at least if you live below the Arctic Circle, you are.
Having a strong confidence at something does not mean you must be competent at it. However, if you are confident, you know that you have the ability to acquire the necessary skills to become competent.
Competence: When you are competent at something, it means you have the skills, knowledge, and ability to perform a task. If you studied maths at uni, you are probably quite competent at solving complex equations. You might be very confident that you can solve the equations, but this does not mean you could do it in front of an audience, or during a job interview. Which might mean you need to work on your confidence in front of other people.
Arrogance: Arrogant people have the tendency to boast about their achievements. Many times, it stems in a lack of self-esteem and a need to be validated by others’ admiration. Not to be confused with confidence.
How does confidence in the bedroom look like?
You might be surprised to learn that people who are confident in bed do not have a certain look or charm. They don’t have any specific bodily features. No big boobs, no big penis, no luscious lips, no ideal weight.
What people who are confident in the bedroom have in common is the knowing that sex is awesome! It’s great fun. And they have no doubts that their partner loves being in bed with them.
What the confident lover embodies is the understanding that arousal is fluid and changing and can mean different things at different times. They can tap into their own needs, and into their partner needs. they adapt and respond in accordance with the current situation.
When you are confident in bed, you know how to approach your partner with delight. You know how to keep your lover turned on. And you know that pleasure is in your hands at all times.
When you are confident in bed, it’s not because you memorized the entire Kama-Sutra and you know which position is most enjoyable. But you are happy to explore and navigate as you go along. As a confident lover, you have no problems being humble and say what you don’t know because you are eager to learn.
Confidence in bed means that saying no is a non-issue. You refuse in such a way that doesn’t feel like rejection to your partner. As a confident lover, you refuse what does not suit you at a given moment, knowing it will not affect your or your partner’s joy in the bedroom.
How come some people are confident in bed and some are not?
Confidence in any area in your life leans on two important pillars:
- Past experience that supports your belief that you’re pretty good at what you’re doing;
- Knowledge and skills and/or the intention to ongoingly develop those skills.
When it comes to sex, most of us were born with the intuition to understand our body and how to draw pleasure from it.
Unfortunately, in our society, most of us also encountered enough situations in our lives to doubt our intuition and to reshape our beliefs. Which means most of us have stopped following what our body’s signals, and started following our mind’s “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts”.
In other words, our past experience shaped our beliefs around sex and sexuality in a way that is predominantly wrong and probably harmful. Which makes it quite tricky to feel confident around our sexuality.
Confident people in the bedroom are the ones that were able to keep listening to their bodies. Their experience was positive enough, consistently enough. These people always believed that their body has the ability to produce ongoing pleasure. They might have had a few small incidents where this was not the case – but these were not prominent enough as to cause doubt in the conviction that sex is deliciously pleasurable. And without doubts, shame, or guilt, they simply kept learning and developing.
But for most people, the combination of a few negative experiences around sexuality with an approach that sex should just magically happen all by itself, without investing in learning about it thoroughly, keeps them from being confident in bed.
Can anyone become a confident lover?
When I only started being sexually active, I was just too f#cking proud. I didn’t want people to think I was a virgin, or that I had no clue what I was doing. I saw my first boyfriend’s pre-ejaculation fluid and I thought he had ejaculated. Even though he was still erect… I was really surprised when he told me that he did not have an orgasm…
I can list so many embarrassing things that I thought when I just started having sex, but really the most embarrassing of all was the fact that I pretended that I knew… I pretended, and I was too proud to be willing to learn. My ongoing experience of sex was not consistently positive. My skills and my desire to develop skills in the bedroom were quite frankly, horrible. My confidence was as zero as zero can get.
I felt a lot of shame around my own sexuality and I didn’t understand how to approach sex in a way that will make me feel whole and at peace.
I’m sharing my past experience because I think becoming confident in bed is possible for everyone. If I did it, so can you!
So here’s a reminder what it means when I say that I’m confident in bed these days.
I have had enough positive experience in the bedroom to develop the expectation that sex will always be enjoyable. And those rare occasions when sex is not being experienced as enjoyable, are so insignificance that they do not affect my overall expectations of my sex life. I have had a few lovers that gave me the most amazing compliments about me as a lover – just enough for me to build the confidence that I’m appreciated.
I have found the resources that got me to feel comfortable with my own innate version of sexuality. To start with, I acquired enough knowledge and skills to get me feel confident in my personal understanding of sexuality. And I keep on learning. And the best skill – which I am continually developing – is to learn from my partner. To understand what works for him. And what works for us. And how to communicate it with each other.
Now I can say that I am confident in bed. Because I made the effort and made this a conscious decision.
What can you do in order to become a confident lover?
First, you have to realize that sex is a skill that needs to be learned. Sure, some people are born talented, like any other field in life. But most people need to learn.
Second, you have to find the sources to learn from that actually resonate with your values and with your views on life. Because we arrive at the subject of sex and sexuality loaded with baggage, it’s important to invest some time to research and find a teacher that you relate to. Someone that speaks your language. There’s no use to learn from a teacher that constantly uses words or phrases that you feel uncomfortable hearing – you will most probably shut off to their teaching even if the content is pure gold.
I cannot guess which teacher you will resonate with. If you like my style, I can offer you the free e-course that will set you off on a lifetime of fulfilling sex to start with. But there are countless of teachers on the internet and you can find the right one for you if you are patient and persistent.
Third, after you have found a teacher that you resonate with, it’s time to start practicing their advice and examine their insights.
You are guaranteed to evolve and grow. Your sex life is bound to improve. And then, you will gather more and more positive experiences.
Lots of beautiful sexual experiences + knowing how and where to develop your skills and you’re on a sure pathway to becoming a confident lover. I hope you enjoy the journey.