When I started this website I had mainly women in long-term relationships in mind.
Women that had been with the same partner for a while and their sex life is becoming less-than-optimal. Perhaps even much worse than that.
To my surprise, I have quickly realized that many women who read my blog are in different situations in their lives. And recently I was contacted by a few women who are actually at the stage of looking for or starting a new relationship.
Young women who are interested in having their first relationship, and only starting to be sexually active.
Mature women who are looking into resuming their sex lives after a long break from relationships at large and sex in particular.
Ladies of all ages who are on the verge of starting a new relationship.
Now, I don’t think I can give valuable advice about dating and finding Mr. Right.
I am also starting dating again.
The guy who I was with since last Christmas and I officially broke up a few months ago already. I didn’t mention anything here before, partly because I was under the impression that perhaps it’s not fully over yet. Partly because It took me a little while to fully release the attachment and start looking for something new. And partly because I wanted you to be under the impression that I have it all figured out.
I’m writing about sex and long-term relationships where in fact, I’m not in a long-term relationship myself, and – guess what? – I’m not even having sex anymore. (Let me rephrase this: I’m not having sex with anyone but myself.)
I felt like I’m being a hypocrite.
But seeing that many of the women that contacted me lately were also on the verge of a new relationship, I thought I would share with you some of the things that I’m going through myself. And some of the things that I was being asked about.
Dating is cultural-dependent.
By this I mean, each culture has its own set of expectations and mannerism and rules.
It is also age-dependent.
So when looking for dating advice, you really need to look for something that works for the culture you’re dating in, and it needs to be age-appropriate.
Dating as a young American looks nothing like dating as a divorcee with three children.
Dating in India looks nothing like dating in Canada.
Only take in the advice that you resonate with.
There are so many experts in different fields of dating, and tons of advice out there. Make sure to follow only the advice that you think is serving your highest good.
I came across one expert who claims that more men are attracted to long hair than to short hair; that more men are attracted to red dresses than to any other color; that men that hear about your business will not see you as viable long-term relationship material.
I appreciate where they’re coming from: if you attract most men, you’ll have plenty to pick from, and a few of them will probably be to your liking. Plus, even the most conscious, evolved, spiritual guy out there won’t want to be your partner if he doesn’t find you attractive.
But at the end of the day, the guy that I want to be with, will be attracted to me not because of what I look like or because of what I decide to talk – or not talk – about. The guy that I want to be with, is going to find the essence of what he sees in me attractive. This has been my experience over and over again: if I feel that I am being truly myself, then my confidence is high. And the person who finds that attractive is the person who will be attracted to me no matter what color my dress is. This is the guy I want to end up being with.
It’s really good to listen to all the advice that you can. It’s much better to choose the advice that you really believe is beneficial for your unique situation.
Being OK with not having sex.
I think that having sex with someone else is a big thing. Allowing someone into my body is very exciting and very precious. I don’t take it lightheartedly.
And until I meet someone that I truly want to welcome into my body, I prefer being with myself.
I embrace this opportunity to dive deeper into my own knowledge of my sexuality. I have more time to practice my jade egg… And to enjoy and explore self-pleasuring.
When we are not in a long-term relationship, casual sex becomes a viable option.
I don’t have anything against it, but I would use plenty of caution.
First, I wouldn’t recommend having casual sex with anyone whom you can’t trust completely. When it comes to having sex, you need to know with absolute certainty that he will stop what he is doing, the moment you tell him to stop, no matter what.
If you don’t trust the person 200%, don’t go there. Also, if you don’t trust your own intuition, don’t go there.
Next, I would only have casual sex with someone if I search myself and find no trace of attachment. Meaning, if I know that I won’t regret it if they disappear the next day and I will never hear from them again.
And, if I have casual sex with someone more than once, I need to search inside myself for attachment before each time we’re about to have sex. Because sex can change things emotionally – and for me personally it most probably will.
Having sex for the first time with someone that I like.
Somone that I like is someone who I think has a potential to become a long-term partner.
Having sex with someone like that should not fall under the category of casual sex, because this is a recipe for heartache.
When I meet someone that I like, I delay the sex component until after there is an understanding between us of what it is we expect from each other. I don’t mean I need to have signed a contract. But I know, by this stage of the relationship, that we talked about what is important for us and what we want long-term. And I know we want similar things and have similar expectations from the relationship.
Having sex with someone that you really like, for the first time, is very exciting. But exciting doesn’t necessarily mean the sex will be amazing. It might be, and it might not be. It might be just OK. You might have an orgasm, and you might not have one. Actually, many women would agree that they find it too difficult to orgasm the first time they have sex with someone. So please don’t have your expectations set too high.
If you manage to have slow sex the first time you have sex, this can bring your – and your partner’s – expectations to a manageable level. Sex now is not about having the most unbelievable climax. It’s about connecting and enjoying each other.
Bringing up the topic of slow sex with a new partner.
I have to admit, things are much easier for me now that I write about slow sex. I have gained confidence and talking about sex is normal for me at this stage almost as talking about what I had for lunch yesterday.
But things weren’t always this way.
I used to be so petrified with bringing up the topic of sex that it involved a tremendous amount of blushing.
But I did have a few tricks that I am happy to share with you.
For example, I told a few guys I dated that I don’t have sex.
This sounds so obviously ridiculous. Especially due to the fact that I have a daughter! But I did use this line even long before I had her. (including when I only just met the guy who ended up being her dad.) Telling guys that I don’t have sex was a great starting point for me. They knew I can’t be serious and it started a playful conversation about the topic of sex. This made me more comfortable, and I was feeling confident enough to say I like sex to be done very slowly.
Another thing I did, with a guy that appeared to be so perfect that we could talk about anything, was to tell him that I know most times people leave talking about sex until after they had sex… And that it would be very interesting to do it the other way around. We ended up planning the whole time when we eventually will have sex and it was supposed to be really special… We talked about taking things slowly and about slow sex. Fortunately for me, we broke up before that even happened. And I think it was fortunate for me, because I assume the heartache I felt when we broke up would have been much worse if we had sex beforehand.
Bringing our baggage to the new relationship.
Don’t kid yourself. We all have baggage. I don’t mind if this is your first relationship. Or if you’ve done years of self-development work and you think you are a clean slate. Your new partner has baggage, too.
Be kind to your new partner. And to yourself.
The last advice I want to give is pretty vague, but I still find it valuable.
Find out what you truly want from a relationship. Be brave enough to ask for it. And if you find a partner that wants the same thing from a relationship, give it your best shot.
Continue learning and work on yourself and on your relationship.
I believe it’s worth it.