The orgasm gap is a term that refers to the well-researched reality that, generally speaking, men tend to have more orgasms than women while having sex.
I would like to suggest an unorthodox approach to the reason why it exists. And to present a thought-provoking idea of how to eradicate it completely.
Why is there an orgasm gap?
After millennia of patriarchy, in which the only sexuality that was openly allowed is a male’s one, our culture is fused with views of sexuality that stem from a strict male point of view. Add to the mixture a century or two of prudish, puritanical values, and now we have a very narrow understanding of what sex is all about.
Even though we consciously know better, most of us still hold in mind that sex equals penetrative sex. Perhaps it’s because we were taught that sex is how babies are made.
And we believe that sex starts when a penis is penetrating something and ends when it ejaculates. Everything that happens before penetration is deemed foreplay, which sounds much less serious than the “real thing”.
In other words, when we use the term sex, what we really think of is penetration which concludes by the man ejaculating.
When we are talking about closing the gap, we assume that women should orgasm during (what we perceive to be) sex. Or perhaps just before penetration. Or maybe closely after the man ejaculates. So, we invest ourselves in it. One of the most popular methods, which statistically is the most successful one, is by stimulating the clitoris into orgasm either before penetration, during penetration, or immediately after the man withdraws.
Trouble is, the orgasm gap still exists and it is quite a big gap indeed.
What if we close the gap by changing our entire attitude towards sex altogether?
How about looking at sex as simply another form of deeply connecting to another human being?
When we shift our attention from penetration and orgasming and move our attention to connecting while having sex, there is no gap to close.
We assume that penetration and orgasm are both a crucial part of sex because we are conditioned to equate penetration and ejaculation with sex.
When we approach sex as a mean to deeply connect with our partner, we remove an underlying assumption that penetration has to happen. And that an orgasm must be pursued. Of course, we might still feel a craving for penetration. But if we pay close attention to what our bodies want, we might not feel any need for penetration. In regards to orgasms, they might appear during sex, and they might not. If we decide to simply follow what our bodies want us to do, instead of what we think we ought to be doing while having sex, we can be really surprised by what comes up for us.
One of the most important mind shifts that could happen in the process is realizing that an orgasm is not the goal of having sex: it’s the by-product of enjoying sex.
This is true for both men and women.
When we are fully present and when we have our attention on simply enjoying ourselves, our minds stop the chatter of “I need to orgasm now because it takes me too long and my partner doesn’t enjoy himself” or “I need to not orgasm now because that’s too quick and my partner didn’t enjoy herself yet”. Or any other unnecessary remarks that our mind constantly make. And when our minds stop the continuous judging of what we should or shouldn’t be doing, that’s when we allow ourselves to truly feel what happens in our bodies.
That’s a very good space for orgasms to appear all by themselves, without even being called for.
Closing the orgasm gap doesn’t mean women need to orgasm more during sex. It means it’s time for us to change our understanding of the dynamics between sex and orgasms.
It’s time for us to enjoy the pleasures of sex, and to drop the belief that an orgasm is an epitome of satisfying sex.