Too Uncomfortable to Ask

I think that confident lovers don’t need my advice. They simply tell their partner what they want in sex. Easy. It’s pretty much what I do these days.

I almost forgot how I used to feel so embarrassed. Actually, I didn’t tell my partner what I want and I what I need in bed. And on the rare occasions when I did raise the topic of sex, I was so uncomfortable that I didn’t say exactly what I want. Just kind-of… Almost… Sort-of.

If you know all you want to know about slow sex, you can skip most of the article and go all the way to the end. This is where I give you tips on how to try slow-sex with your partner even if you’re too uncomfortable to ask.

Junk food.

When we are used to eating junk food, then real, wholesome, healthy food sounds like a bore. The taste of junk food is designed to appeal to our primal need for sugar and fats. We have a tendency to want more of it even if we’re satiated. And we crave it more and more.

But the problem is, junk food does not nurture our body in an optimal way.

In contrast, when we eat a balanced, healthy diet – we are used to the tastes and they are delicious. So much so, that the junk has no appeal and we are not interested in it. And, even if every now and then we do eat some junk food, it can get a bit overwhelming and we are left wondering what was it that made us interested in it to start with.

Sex is very similar.

When we’re used to fast-paced quickies and porn-influenced moves, we are hooked with the notion that sex should be earth-shaking, exhilarating, and thrilling. We simply can’t believe that it would be satisfying any other way.

However, when we are continuously practicing slow-paced, integrated, holistic sex, we can feel how nourishing it is for every aspect of our lives. The satisfaction from slow, mindful sex is deep and whole, in a way that can not be explained to anyone who has never experienced it.

I write a lot about slow sex. You can read about it here and here.

And I realize that some of you are interested in tricks and tips of transitioning into a more slow-influenced-sex style.

Like with transitioning from junk food to wholesome foods, the transition could be tricky.

Some people are completely hooked after their very first experience of slow sex, while others need to take it slowly and gradually.

And it becomes even more complicated when there’s a partner involved – especially if you are not used to openly discuss your sex-related matters.

Transitioning with a partner.

If you want to make the change into a more slow-paced sex, and you feel uncomfortable bringing the topic up with your partner, there are a few tricks that might make it easier for you.
I can’t give you the exact advice that is tailored to your unique situation in an article
(This is something that I do in private consultation),
But there are a few tips to set you in the right direction.
Feel free to start the shift yourself without expecting your partner to change as well.
Tip number 1:
Show (don’t tell) your partner how amazing and delicate slow-paced sex could be.
So, for example, you can decide to surprise your partner and give him/her a lengthy erotic massage.
Just focus on their enjoyment and don’t let them take over.
While you massage them, ask questions like “Does this feel good?”
or – “Would you prefer if the pressure was stronger or softer?” etc.
Focus only on them. And if it leads to sex, make the sex a continuation of the massage. By this I mean –  pay the same type of attention during the sex as when you were massaging.
Tip number 2:
Slow the pace down yourself – even if only for one or two minutes –
while having sex. Do it through body movements, not in words.
For men, this is relatively easy – simply slow down some of the things you do. Perhaps the foreplay. Perhaps extend the moment of penetration into a few minutes. Or maybe after penetration, proceed with real slow movements.
And if your partner gives you the look of “What do you think you’re doing?” just smile at her lovingly and encourage her – with your body language or in words – to relax and tap into her body.
For women, this could mean holding your man’s hips so you control the speed.
And dictate a very slow speed.
Don’t overdo it, and if he looks confused, simply gather all your charm so he can’t resist you…
Tip number 3:
Be playful during sex.
We tend to become really serious and boring during sex…
Most couples have their own “sex routine” (or maybe two of them) which tends to repeat itself, perhaps with some variations.
Breaking the routine with a playful, curious exploration is not a move toward slow sex per se, but it is a move toward being more open around sex. And it helps when you want to keep true to yourself and your innate sexual expression.
Playful could mean many things.
It’s being creative. Like an innocent child that explores the territory.
Think bizarre… Absurd… Vulnerable.
Do something unexpected. Instead of focusing your effort on achieving some kind of an orgasm, think – “How can I make this more fun?”

Slow down the slowing down process.

If you’re not immediately hooked, it does not necessarily mean that slow sex is not for you. Simply slow down the entire process. There is no rush to become a slow-sex champion.

But if your mind sometimes shifts from “getting a powerful orgasm” into “enjoying exploring my partner’s body together” then you are already a winner.