First thing’s first.

I dislike the word masturbation.

It sounds a bit clinical and somehow degrading.

I much rather use terms like solo sex, or self-pleasuring. They are more beautiful and in line with conveying the new paradigm of sex that I am promoting.

But… My title is so much better for search engines so I’m keeping it! Sorry if I’m offending anyone.

Second thing’s second.

I was planning on writing this blog post and delayed.

I still carry some shame around the topic of self-pleasuring. Although I have implied in previous posts that I am engaging in it, I always felt a bit embarrassed. I mean, my mum reads my blog. And her partner. And so are some of my friends and acquaintances. Am I really going to let all of them know that I am enjoying solo sex? And how much details will I reveal? Will I blush next time they’ll tell me they liked my article???

Third thing’s third.

I decided to go ahead with writing this blog post after a recent email from one of my readers.

Let me quote her:

I am not sure how to do this (self-pleasuring) in a way that is mindful and not just something that is quick and makes me feel empty afterward. Also, the problem is because of the media and talk around orgasms I just find myself always working towards getting an orgasm as opposed to just enjoying the process of pleasing and getting to know myself. I really struggle with that part – and I feel disappointed each time because I don’t know that I reach it.

Which is, funnily enough, exactly how I feel.

And that’s a really good reason to finally write about solo sex.

The self-pleasuring journey.

I always enjoyed touching myself. Pretty much for as long as I can remember.

When I was younger, not knowing much about sex or sexuality, I just enjoyed touching myself because it felt good. I didn’t know that there’s such a thing called orgasm, and I didn’t try to get it. I simply enjoyed the sensations of touching myself. However, I did notice that at some stage, the pleasure was getting too intense for me to handle. That was my cue to stop.

Basically, what I’m saying is, that self-pleasuring for me was always goal-oriented. Even before I knew that the goal is an orgasm. Nonetheless, it didn’t feel like a goal: it just felt like having fun until it’s not so-much-fun anymore.

At some stage during my journey, I incorporated my imagination into the touch. My private fantasies came to life in my head and made the entire self-pleasuring session so much more fun.

During the years when my partnered sex life was unsatisfactory, solo sex was always available for me. I enjoyed it tremendously, much more than sex with my partner, and I felt no guilt whatsoever.

That is, until porn became readily available.

I don’t know when I realized that I can find free porn on the internet and get massively excited about it. But I noticed that quite a lot of the stuff that I could watch, made me feel really guilty.

It took me a while longer to understand that it wasn’t so much the images themselves that bothered me, it was actually not knowing if the actors were being abused or manipulated. Specifically the women.

It is probably a topic for a whole different blog post, but let me tell you this.

OK, so here goes. I still watch porn. I do.

But I make sure I only watch videos where it is absolutely clear that the actors are really having a good time. Both male and female.

And another confession.

I have never tried a vibrator of any sort.

I was given one as a gift not too long ago, and I thought – since now I write about this stuff, I should probably try, right? But it just sits in my wardrobe waiting for me. To be honest, I don’t find the idea attractive enough, and I simply forget that it’s there.

Introducing Slow Solo sex.

As you can probably understand by now, most of the time that I am engaged in solo sex, I am still goal oriented.

It’s my “quicky”.

Sometimes I feel very aroused, completely turned on, and I know that a quick relief will disperse the sexual energy, leaving me uncharged.

I do feel that empty feeling that my reader has referred to in the quote I shared with you. But I associate it with the release of the tension. Once the energy is out of my body, I am free to go back to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing. So that empty feeling is actually something that I look forward to.

However.

Since I am a huge advocate of slow sex. And since I do not currently have a partner to practice slow sex with. Every now and then, I make the time to have slow sex by myself.

When I self-pleasure the slow style, I do things slightly differently.

Frame of Mind:

Instead of wanting a quick release from tension, I have a state of mind of exploring. Exploring my body. Trying new ways to touch myself. Touching parts of my body that I don’t normally include during my “quickie” self-pleasure sessions.

Focused Attention:

I stir clear of fantasies.

My aim here is to fully feel every sensation.

I want to be 100% present and I don’t want to be distracted by my imagination.

It’s really tricky, because my mind does tend to wander… And every time it does, it takes me a little while to even notice it! But once I do, I laugh at myself, I laugh at mind, and bring it back to the sensations in my body.

What happens along the way:

I’m learning to feel my body as it is right now.

At times, I can feel pain. That’s OK, too. I let the pain be. I welcome it. If it gets too intense, I back off.

Slow sex while self-pleasuring is the only time when fingers go inside my vagina. I don’t enjoy it during partnered sex and I certainly don’t need it for my quicky solo-sex where my clitoris gets all the attention to bring about wonderful orgasms. But during slow sex sessions with myself, I am exploring, and I like feeling inside myself – sometimes I am the vagina sensing the fingers; sometimes I am the fingers feeling the vagina. As the exploration continues, I might reach all the way up to my cervix, and that’s pretty nice, too.

When to stop:

Like with partnered sex, there are no rules.
Sometimes I just get tired and fall asleep.

Other times, I continue until I feel I had enough.

And sometimes I want to continue until I orgasm.

It doesn’t really matter.

As the frame of mind is one of exploration, anything that happens along the way is satisfying.

Like slow sex in partnered sex, I see slow solo-sex as the gourmet version of self-pleasuring… So it requires more time and more commitment to actually practice it.

And it’s really worth it to invest some sessions for this gourmet solo sex experience.