How Can You Have Sex When You Feel Disconnected from Your Partner?

Slow sex, once again, is the answer.

Recently, a reader wrote to me saying she can’t have sex with her partner if there’s any discord in the relationship.

If she does have sex from this space, it’s far from ideal. This is what she wrote:

I’m just not 100% there with my partner. I end up going through the motions and in the end I feel violated in a way.

I am exactly the same.

It’s tricky for me to have sex with my partner if I feel any negativity between us.

The problem is, sometimes the lack of physical intimacy makes the gap between us even wider. Having sex the right way, on the other hand, can bring us together and help us manage the friction.

How can we break this cycle and enjoy wholehearted sex?

The answer is mindful sex.

Moving from anger to connection — the slow way.

In my last relationship, sex was usually slow and mindful.

I remember one time when I felt a lot of anger towards my guy over something he had done. The last thing I wanted was to be physically close to him. Then, he started touching me.

I could have just walked away and said I don’t feel like it.

Instead, I chose to allow the connection.

I asked him to be even slower than usual.

I needed his touch to be slow enough for me to fully focus on the subtle sensations in my body. And when his touch was not slow enough, I placed my hand over his and moved them as slowly as I needed. Which was ultra-super-slow, even for us.

It lasted a few long moments. He kept on moving faster than what I needed to be able to fully let go and I had to readjust his pace several times.

After a while, though, I realized that I was connecting with him again. My anger made room for a blissful lovemaking session.

This is not the type of sex that has you racing for an orgasm. This is the type of sex that fills you up with tenderness and elates you.

Breaking the cycle: defusing tension with sex that connects.

To be honest, it’s not about sex as much as it is about allowing a deep nonverbal connection.

Most of us put a lot of emphasis on verbal communication. We think the best way to resolve conflicts is to dissect them, find the truth, and come to a solution that is agreeable to all.

And I concur. Open communication is important for resolving conflict.

But intimate relationships have another communication tool at their disposal: touch.

The right type of touch — the connecting type — has been associated with reduced stress levels, relaxation, connection, and enhanced awareness. It won’t necessarily dissolve all the tension, but it has the potential to increase harmony. Feeling connected and loving, discords have a lower chance of blowing up beyond proportion. And we can manage them from a space of togetherness.

The problem is we think healing touch is one thing, and sex is an entirely different thing. However, when done consciously and with awareness, sex can be a healing form of touch. This is what I would call healing sex.

Next time when your partner wants sex while you are feeling disconnected, how about giving it a go?

Just make sure you go as slow as you need to in order to stay focused on the touch, and don’t let your mind take over with thoughts and emotions.

Originally published in P.S I Love You