The importance of letting go in bed couldn’t be stressed highly enough.
Most of us have heard this and we understand that in order to fully enjoy the highs of sexual arousal with a man, and in order to be able to climax, we need to let go.
To quote Dr. Louanne Brizendine from her book The Female Brain:
Female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off. The
impulses can rush to the pleasure centers and trigger an orgasm only
if the amygdala—the fear and anxiety center of the brain—has been
deactivated. Before the amygdala has been turned off, any last-minute
worry—about work, about the kids, about schedules, about getting
dinner on the table—can interrupt the march toward orgasm.
But how do we actually do it?
How do we let go and stop the constant rambling of our brain?
There are several layers of “stuff” we need to let go of.
The most basic layer is the protection layer:
We need to let go of the worry for our safety, to protect ourselves from harm. In order to let go in this layer, we need to make sure that we have protected sex in a mean that we truly believe works – that includes protection from STDs and from unwanted pregnancies. It also includes making sure that you are in bed with someone that you can trust 100%. 200% even. Some women can let go no matter what, but most of us need to feel safe with our partner. If you are in bed with someone whom you’re not sure you can trust, there’s not much chance that your amygdala will shut off.
If you are in bed with someone you care about, and you know that they care about you, there’s a much better chance for you to be able to let go.
The next level up we need to let go of is everyday distractions:
Do you have enough time for an enjoyable sex session? Do you feel stressed about your long to-do list? Are you worried because the location is not that comfortable?
In order to let go on this level, make sure you have time allocated for sex without interruptions. Sure, sometimes sex is spontaneous and you can’t do much about it. But it’s a good idea to also have a time slot where you know in advance that you’ll be having sex and that you make sure you have everything sorted for that time duration. Specifically, you need to know that there’s nothing you need to do: no washing, no preparing for tomorrow’s tasks, no shopping lists, no kids walking in on you in the middle.
Once all of these technicalities are taken care of, the next level we need to let go of is thoughts about performance:
In this layer, we bundle both body image issues (I don’t want my partner to see that part of my body!) and sexual skills worries (is my partner enjoying what we’re doing?).
In order to let go on this level, let’s first imagine how women that feel confident in their sexuality and in their appearance think and operate.
Confident women know that their partner is attracted to them, not because the way their body looks like, but because their partner likes them. They know their partner loves pleasing them, and loves having sex with them, not because their skills as lovers are exceptional or outstanding, but because confident women enjoy having sex and that’s why having sex with them is so satisfying.
This is the truth you need to understand: your loving partner adores your body because he likes you, not the other way around.
Your loving partner loves pleasing you in bed because you truly love having sex with him, not because you’re a skillful lover.
Understanding these truths is the next step on your journey of learning to let go.
But how can you let go in order to truly enjoy yourself if you’re not so confident in bed?
Developing the traits of a confident woman who naturally can let go in bed.
These insecurities I mentioned are deep-rooted in our psyche and no matter how much I – or your partner – will tell you that your body is perfect the way it is, and that they love having sex with you, won’t help. So what can you do about it? How can you let go?
There are good news and bad news.
I’ll start with the good news:
There are quite a few practices that can help with increasing your body image confidence and the confidence in your sexuality.
The bad news is that all of the practices that actually work take time. And patience.
Here are 4 practices that gradually teach you to fully embrace and love your body and sexuality as it is. How long they take before you are ready to let go is depending on many factors, and it will vary tremendously from one woman to the next. Though you can expect some positive effects pretty much as soon as you start practicing them.
Read them all and choose the one that best resonates with you.
- Learning to love your body as it is now in front of a mirror. Start by sticking a sheet of paper on a mirror and have a pen in your hand. Now, take as many clothes off so you get as close to naked as you can allow yourself to be. Look at your body and decide that for 3 minutes, you will put all negative, self-critical thoughts aside. On the paper, write down all the body parts that you like. Or at least the ones that you can accept as they are without wanting to change. To finish the practice, say out loud: “I Love you [insert name of the body part that is written on that sheet of paper]”. If a negative thought arises, just tell yourself that it can wait until the end of the practice before it emerges again. Leave the paper on the mirror until the next day when you start with a fresh sheet. Repeat this practice once a day for as long as it takes to feel like your body is this most marvelous, amazing thing that leaves you grateful and utterly appreciative for what it is.
- Learning to love your body as it is with meditation. If you are familiar with meditating, dedicate 15 minutes a day for the Body Love Meditation. In this practice, you scan your body with your mind, slowly, top to bottom, imagining the most tender touch ever created lovingly caressing your body and all the while, keep saying “Thank you [insert body part that is being touched] for being of service to my higher good”. Do this practice at least every second day until you feel like your body is this most marvelous, amazing thing that leaves you grateful and utterly appreciative for what it is.
- Learning to rediscover your own innate sexuality with powerful imagination work. Imagine you are holding a little treasure box in your hands. This treasure box holds your own innate sexuality, and by unlocking it you are becoming an amazing, confident, fulfilled lover. The lock to this treasure box was put there – by yourself – in order to protect your true innate sexuality from the world that wanted to shut it down. But the key to opening the lock is a key of compassion and love. So now you must emanate true love and compassion from your hands, to the lock of this treasure box. Do this practice every day, and feel when your lock is starting to melt by the power of your love. Remeber that you can always close the treasure box when you want to protect yourself – but once you learn how to melt the lock, you never have to fully lock it again. The power of your own innate sexuality was always, and it always will be, yours. Continue practicing daily until you feel like (can you guess?) your body is this most marvelous, amazing thing that leaves you grateful and utterly appreciative for what it is.
- Learning to connect to your own innate sexuality with slow sex. If you’ve been reading my stuff for a while, you probably already know that I believe practicing slow sex has an enormous transformational power. When your sex practice becomes full of awareness, and when it is so antithetical to the way we were conditioned to view sex as, it is easier for us to let go. When sex becomes an innocent, playful, natural activity – the constructions that hold your negative beliefs around sex gradually fall apart as there is nothing to hold them. When that happens, there’s nothing left to let go of, really. Continue practicing as often as you can, forever and ever.
For more information on truly satisfying sex, consider completing the free e-course: Enjoy a lifetime of fulfilling sex.