I have never had a model type body.

My body was always a bit bigger, a bit thicker than what the society I grew up in made me believe it should be.

I’ve done tons of work around my body issues.

Specifically, I was working on being OK with however my body looks like, even if it doesn’t fit the current narrative in the society that surrounds me.

And even though my body was always different to what I wanted it to look like, I still liked it.

Recently, my post-lockdown body kept getting bigger and I pretended I am still OK with the way it looks like. Only I am not.

I still dance in front of my mirror (sometimes in the nude!…), shake my body all over and smile at myself. And I laugh at myself for not liking what I see.

But standing by myself in front of the mirror is one thing, whereas being seen by other people is completely different.

Australia is now heading for summer, and the same summer clothes that I loved wearing about 8 months ago do not look as good on me anymore.

I end up staring at my bulging tummy that protrudes through my most baggy tops, and my pants that do not conceal the fact that I was just eating a lot more and moving a lot less than usual since the lockdown started. And I don’t like what I’m seeing.

I have lots of excuses.

I did, very consciously, prioritize other things over moving my body.

Things like spending time with my daughter, creating more income, getting to know the guy that I am seeing, writing, and also giving myself time off for doing nothing – all came before “moving my body” on my to-do list.

It didn’t help that the guy I am seeing actually likes my body exactly as it is. I mean, sure, that’s really awesome, but it gave me permission to not care that my body got bigger and bigger until it is now in a state that I simply don’t like it.

It’s the first time in years that I truly don’t like my body.

And I know that I ain’t gonna do anything about it as well…

I’m not even sure why I’m writing about it 🙁