There’s a common advice I came across a few times, given for women at the beginning stages of dating a man.
The advice is to not let the guy dictate the pace of progress of the sexual frontier.
Without going to all the details of the advice, the theory goes something like this.
Guys’ interest in sex is prominent when dating. They will always try to have sex. And if you do have sex too early, they will not appreciate you as much as if you wait.
Basically, if you want a guy to take you seriously, you have to take it slowly on the sexual front.
Or in other words: if you are interested in a guy – do not have sex too quickly because he will most probably lose interest.
Now. I know nothing about the rules of dating. So I’m not going to endorse this claim or to poopoo it.
Although I will say that I am always in favor of waiting with sex for as long as possible into a new relationship because sex has a tendency to make things more complicated. (Read this article for my 2 cents about having sex while looking for Mr. Right).
The point I am trying to make is: as a woman, I am the one taking responsibility for the pace in which the sexual front is advancing.
And this statement is true also for single sexual encounters in a long-term relationship.
Let me explain.
The slowest person is the one that dictates the pace.
When you go hiking in a group of people that you care for, you always walk at the pace of the slowest person. Because you do not want to leave them behind.
It’s a simple principle that applies to almost every area in your life. Sex included.
But the problem starts when the slowest person pretends that he/she is totally fit and that he/she can – and enjoy – advancing quicker than what he/she would ideally want to.
That slowest person is risking damaging their health. They will most likely not want to join the same group of hikers. Heck, they might decide they hate hiking altogether. Plus, the rest of the group will assume that person is enjoying themselves and they will never think slowing down is necessary.
It is the slowest person’s responsibility to let the other people know that they need a slower pace.
If the rest of the group doesn’t want to slow down, it probably means they don’t care enough. And the slowest person can be free to find a more caring hiking group.
I’m sure you get my analogy.
It is always your responsibility to let your partner know if you need things to be slower.
If your partner is the faster one, and he has the ability to progress really fast, he can’t tell that you are slower unless you let him know.
On the sex arena, things are less obvious than in the hiking analogy.
For example, many women have the capacity to orgasm really quickly when they pleasure themselves, but with a partner, they take much longer. And so when they are with a partner, and the sex session takes only 10 minutes or so (at best), women are sometimes surprised that they are not satisfied. Because, really, that’s as long as it takes when they’re alone. Perhaps in partnered sex they don’t orgasm, perhaps they do. But many times, and regardless of the presence or absence of an orgasm, after a short sex session, there is a feeling of lack. Of something not truly fulfilled.
One can argue that some women don’t even realize that they need more time. They simply conclude that this is a normal duration for sex and that something is wrong with them. So they never ask for more time.
Now, let’s just assume that most women do know that they need more time. More time to feel ready for sex. More time to feel ready for penetration. And more time to orgasm.
Still, most women simply make do with the pace of their man. More often than not, he is the one that dictates the duration of foreplay. He dictates the pace of his movements inside his woman. And he is usually the one that dictates the end of the session, which is pretty much as soon as he ejaculates.
If you are a woman and you need more time than what your partner seems to need for any part of the sex session – you need to let him know. I know this might sound harsh, but it is your responsibility.
The other day, my guy was waaaay too quick for me.
We haven’t seen each other for longer than usual.
I stayed at home, having a lazy midday snooze while I was waiting for him to arrive.
And when he arrived, he was ready. Straight into business. Woke me up to whisk me off my dream and into some raunchy business.
Now let me explain that this is completely and utterly not typical.
We are usually both slow. Yes, both of us.
Not this time around though. This time it was wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am.
To tell you the truth, I was excited by the completely-different style and doing something so out of character. But there’s a difference between being excited, and feeling pleasure. And my body wasn’t feeling the kind of pleasure that I’m used to. The kind of pleasure I dearly enjoy.
I immediately thought of all the women that tell me how their man is just too quick for them. (Yes, I was thinking of this while having sex. I admit.)
Then it dawned on me:
It is my responsibility to remind him that I need to take things more slowly.
So I did.
I reminded him by taking things into my own hands and I started to make slower movements. I looked him in his eyes and smiled. I made the shift myself, and he willingly cooperated.
What you need to understand is, that although both of us were excited by the fast pace sex, we also both appreciated slowing down.
It was so much more rewarding and fulfilling. For both of us.
It is your responsibility to make sure you are having a slow sex session not just because you prefer it this way – but also because there’s a pretty good chance your partner prefers it, too.
All you need to do is charmingly lead the way.