You’ve been with your current partner for a few years now.
Perhaps 2, 3 years. Maybe 23 years.
You love him. He is a great partner in so many ways.
You know you can trust him.
He has been there for you in some difficult moments.
And you survived a challenge or two together.
Sure, some days you feel like biting his head off… But overall, looking at the big picture, he’s a keeper.
There is just one problem that has consistently been there in your relationship for quite some time now.
It might have been good at some stage, but that was so long ago you can hardly remember. You are starting to doubt that it was that good at all.
You told him so many times what you want in bed. What you need in bed. What makes you tick and purr. But you are not sure he really listens. Perhaps he just doesn’t have the capacity to understand. You tried being seductive. You tried being funny. You used threats and punishments. Really, nothing seems to work.
You found a rhythm that works. Sometimes you have sex with him because you think he deserves to have sex and you rather he has it with you than looking for it somewhere else. But it’s only for him, not for you. And you please yourself by yourself after he falls asleep.
And yet… Deep in your heart, you are aching.
Your thoughts creep in — is this how my sex life going to look like from now until… Forever? Will I settle on this my entire life? Will I ever get to experience the thrill of a sweet, heartfelt, magnificent, love-making crescendo again?
You do some research. You read sex advice online. Or in a magazine. You subscribe to some blog that is meant to help. How come they make it look so simple? Clearly this wouldn’t work in your situation. After all, you have all this baggage you carry with you. Some of it from this current relationship, some of it from way before this one. It’s not as easy as they describe it. It’s complicated.
You’re so frustrated. Angry, even. It looks like everywhere you turn to, people are enjoying a delightful sex life. Why not you? You’ve done nothing wrong. You want a great sex life. You deserve a great sex life.
Let me tell you a secret.
You did not do anything wrong, that’s for sure.
You were just raised in a society that is completely convoluted around sex.
You received mix messages.
You were lied to about what sex is all about.
You were made to believe that sex needs to look a certain way, feel a certain way, make you feel a certain way.
You were not allowed to explore by yourself and to listen to your inner voice.
And at some stage, you lost it. It got silenced against the cacophony of everyone’s opinions, beliefs, and values.
And now you don’t know where to find your inner, natural, innocent sexual self.
And another thing:
You are not alone.
I receive so many emails from women that tell me this story, in one way or another.
I, too, was once in the exact same shoes.
And there is a path out of this maze.
You can become amazing lovers for each other. And it’s time to move from a not-satisfying sex life, to a truly fulfilling one.
Sometimes you think it will be easier with someone new.
You crave that excitement. That spark which is long gone from your relationship.
But if your current partner is actually great in every aspect of your life apart from sex… If he has become a very close, trusted friend that you share your life with — just not a lover — then that spark can be recreated with him.
There is no need to throw in the towel just yet.
Here’s what you do.
You go to your partner. You hold his hand, look him in the eye and tell him: “Sweetheart, I want us to have the most ah-mazing, fantastic, sensational, outstanding sex life together. I don’t know how to do this. Will you join my journey to learn this together? Are you willing for us to have the best sex life we can possibly imagine?”
You can do it together.
Here’s Bez Stone version of this exact same sentence:
And you take that journey together like any other challenge you faced together before.
You decide together what works for you.
Seeing a therapist? Going for a couples retreat? Doing an online course?
The options are plentiful.
It’s time for you to embark on this journey for a fulfilling sex life.
You owe it to yourself. You owe it to your partner.