It’s 2020. How Come Some People Still Believe That Women Owe Men Sex?

Some people are still under the impression that sex is something that women give to men. 

When someone writes that:

…wives who consistently limit sex with their husbands to once per week… …are called ‘ex-wives.’

He implies that there is absolutely no partnership. There are two individuals: the husband, who wants sex more often than once per week; and the wife, who is “not giving him what he wants”. If a woman does not do what the man wants, the husband should punish her and leave.

The frequency in the abovementioned quote is once per week, but it really is irrelevant. What is relevant is that the frequency of sex between a couple is something that needs to be agreed on by both partners — based on quite a few variables.

In order to have a fulfilling sex life, both partners need to want it. If one partner wants sex and the other partner only consents — that’s not good enough on an ongoing basis.

Sure, in committed relationships we might do something we don’t like every now and then. That’s part of being in a relationship, and that’s true not just for sex.

It’s when one person expects the other to comply regardless of how that other person feels which is detrimental.

When one partner feels entitled to sex as often as they feel like, even if the other partner is not interested in having sex is often, it’s unhealthy.

The opposite is equally true.

When one partner is unwilling to have sex, expecting the other partner to just maintain the relationship with hardly any sex, it’s also detrimental.

When partners have differing opinions about their lives together, it is usually a cause for friction. Sex is not different. So the question is how to manage these expectations and discrepancies in a relationship. It’s not an easy question to answer.

Each couple will have to work things out for themselves. 

But the approach that women need to supply sex to men at a rate that will satisfy them must end.

Unfortunately, some people still think of sex as a currency.

These people look at sex as a service that women provide.

There’s no difference between casual hookups and long-term relationships.

And it’s not just men that think this way.

Consider this response, by a woman, when I suggested a balanced sex-once-a-week approach:

Once a week? You want your man to be looking elsewhere?

She is implying that the reason for having sex with a man more than once a week is to keep him happy.

That is equivalent to saying that a woman pays man with sex, and he, in return, provides her with security that he won’t leave her.

It is the exact same phenomenon of women who use sex to manipulate a man into doing something for them.

In the French film The Green Beautiful, they named this phenomenon Institutionalised Prostitution

I don’t find this approach acceptable. Not in this day and age.

Sex as an expression of intimacy.

These days, men and women do not need each other for sex or for stability. Financial or otherwise.

In a long-term relationship, women and men need each other for companionship and partnership.

Sex is a unique way to enhance the friendship as partners. It is unique, as we only get to experience it with some people and not with others. As such, it has the potential to deepen our bond. 

It is important. 

Some say sacred. 

We should take the time and effort to ensure we are both happy with our sex lives.

And when we are true friends, hopefully, we’ll be able to find a way to work out differences — including finding a frequency for sex that is meeting everyone’s needs.

A healthy relationship is about asking and giving.

It’s not about owing and taking or fearing that the other partner will cheat.

It’s about finding a balance. It’s about agreeing to meet halfway because you see the bigger picture. 

No one owes sex to anyone else.

Instead, we owe it to ourselves to work on our relationship and to make it as good as it gets — any aspect of it — including sex.