A few months ago, at the start of the Black Lives Matter upheaval,
I came across a meme that really gave me the shits.
It was a Facebook post, in which a white man was holding a placard that read something like:
Anyone that adds anything to the start of this sentence is a racist”
Obviously, ultimately, it’s true that all human lives matter.
And obviously, this white fella never experienced oppression in his life.
We live in a world that does not have a leveled playing field, and anyone who ignores this fact is blind.
When it comes to the way we relate to sex in our society, there is no leveled playing field either.
For example, if you pay enough attention you will surely notice the underlying message all around us, that men are the ones wanting sex, while women are the ones that give sex to men.
That could definitely explain why research shows that 30% of women report pain during vaginal sex, and large proportions don’t tell their partners when sex hurts. No research was done to check the percentage of men who report pain during any sexual activity, and I have reason to believe that it’s because the percentage would be negligible to non-existent.
This is what happens when people that have sex, have an underlying belief that sex’s main purpose is to create a pleasurable experience for the man.
Feeling pain during sex is a common phenomenon for women.
It happens for the best of us – including me.
There, I said it.
I sometimes feel pain when I have sex with my partner.
But for me, sex is about connection, and as soon as I feel pain, I tell my partner.
And we adjust what we are doing.
Sometimes it’s as simple as going slower, or changing our position.
Other times we need to stop altogether and just hug each other.
The thing is, honesty and vulnerability draw us closer together.
And this is much more connecting and satisfying for both of us, than having my guy do whatever he wants without knowing it hurts me.
Sex is about pleasure, no doubt about it.
At the end of the day, that’s the reason we have sex.
But if there’s an underlying belief that one person is the one that is more deserving of pleasure,
Or that the partner that has an orgasm more easily is the one that will experience pleasure,
And the other person needs to play along and to be OK with it,
Well, that’s just fucked up.
I write for women. But there are plenty of men on this email list.
So here’s what I want to tell you today.
If you are a woman:
Your pleasure matters. Your partner’s pleasure matter only to the same extent.
And what is more important is that you use the sex experience in order to get closer to him.
Don’t ever tolerate feeling uncomfortable during sex.
If you are a man:
Your pleasure matters. Your partner’s pleasure matters even more, because she will easily dismiss her own pleasure if you don’t make the effort to satisfy her.
And what is more important is that you make sure your woman feels comfortable.
Don’t trust that she will tell you: ask her, and pay attention to her body language.
Don’t ever compromise on having sex with a partner that is not 200% enjoying herself.
Use the sex experience in order to feel closer to her.