There are many reasons why people might lose interest in sex.
It could be a medication (antidepressants and hormonal contraceptives are the most infamous, but there are plenty of others) that’s the root cause of your loss of libido.
Sometimes, it’s the consequence of sexual trauma that is lurking around and has a tremendously negative impact on us.
Perhaps it’s the result of being in a long-term relationship where the initial spark has long gone without ever been replaced with a satisfying sexual practice.
Some people are simply too busy and their lives are so full that they have no capacity for sexual activity in their waking hours.
And some people have never (or hardly ever) experienced a truly fulfilling sexual interaction that they gradually gave up on sex altogether.
Decide if you even want to do anything about it.
The first question you should ask yourself is: does it even matter? I mean, theoretically, you could lead a happy life without any sex, couldn’t you? Monks and nuns do it, and they seem to be quite content. So why would you even need to do anything?
Here’s the catch. You can definitively live happily ever after without any sex in your life. However, please consider these two things:
- Do you have a partner that expects you to have sex with them as part of your relationship? If you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, your partner most probably has an expectation — even if it’s unspoken — that you would have sex with them. And even if they don’t mention it to you, they might feel disappointed. They might drift apart or feel less inclined to invest in the relationship. Now, I know “it’s not fair”. After all, you have all the reasons in the world, and all the justifications, to not want to have sex. But when you look at the likely consequences, would you reconsider? Wouldn’t you prefer to find a way to get your desire back? And, really, wouldn’t you prefer to live your life enjoying and celebrating your sexual desires? Obviously, if you talk about things, and you’re both equally uninterested in sex, there’s nothing to worry about.
- Do you think that sexual activity is unnecessary, irrelevant, hedonistic or highly overrated? If so, please ask yourself this: would I prefer being abstinent? Many of us were conditioned to believe that there’s something noble about abstinence. That by depriving ourselves of pleasure — any pleasure — we are becoming purer. More capable. Or more resilient. And that the mere wish for pleasure is some sign of weakness of the spirit. However, this could not be further from the truth. Sure, if abstaining is a calling for you, if it fills you with joy to make that decision, then you should, by all means, follow your heart’s desire. But if abstaining for you is about overcoming desires, and about “making suffering a friend”, than you need to know that actually, people who have their desires met in a wholesome way, are usually more capable, more generous, and more altruistic, than people that consistently do not have their desires met.
If you came to the conclusion that getting your mojo back is of benefit, here’s the how.
How to get your groove back and enjoy a truly fulfilling sex life.
Wearing sexy lingerie or having a candle-lit dinner is not going to cut it.
In order to have a thriving sex life, we need to look deeper. Our attitude towards sex needs to be examined and healed. And we need to make it a real priority.
I’m sorry to say, but as long as sex is kept at an arm’s length, and is considered an act “you do”, your sex life won’t improve significantly enough.
What’s it like to experience the world from a turned-on position:
See, people that lead a healthy sex life, don’t compartmentalize sex to an activity they do in the bedroom when the lights are off. Instead, sexuality is just another aspect of their being. They feel completely at ease having erotic sensations anywhere and everywhere. Sure, they might not let the world know it, but they can experience orgasmic sensations while noticing the way the water feels on their hands while they’re doing the dishes.
They know there is nothing — nothing! — wrong with eroticism and being aroused by everyday situations. They relish these! And because they know it’s natural, because they know these sensations are good for them, they don’t even need to do anything about these sensations. Just enjoy them.
People who feel completely comfortable with their sexuality, don’t need anyone else to “turn them on”. They simply turn themselves on. If the time is right, and there’s a willing partner, they might enjoy these sensations with a partner, but they don’t really need to. Sensual sensations are abundant in their experience, and if the person next to them does not look as interested or as available, they won’t even mention it to them. Because they know it’s much better to share these sexual experiences with someone that is as turned-on as themselves.
How can you turn yourself on?
I mentioned that sex is not “an activity we do”. Esther Perel, best-seller author of Mating in Captivity says that sex “is a place we go to”. But I reckon, when we’re turned on, sex is a place within us. That means we don’t need to go there: we just need to pay attention to it.
And so, if we want to regain the interest in sex, our “work” is to find that place inside ourselves.
The reason for your lost libido is real. You do need to address it, whatever the case might be: seek for alternatives for medication. Find the best modality for healing from trauma. Schedule an appointment with your partner for sex. This is crucial.
But the one thing that will help you more than anything at all — is investing in learning how to have sex in a way that is truly, deeply, completely satisfying. Because once sex becomes that fulfilling, that invigorating, there’s little chance you’ll allow yourself to get off track again.
Learning the art of deeply satisfying love-making.
It’s tricky, because most of us have the notion that sex needs to be exciting. And obviously, it can be. But excitement does not equal satisfaction. And understanding that, embodying that, is one of the most amazing things that can happen to your sex life.
If you ever followed the commonplace advice for spicing up your sex life (Fantasy play? The latest technique and position for an earth-shaking orgasm? Do these sound familiar?) then there’s no surprise that your sex life hasn’t been that satisfying. As much as excitement felt great at the beginning of your relationship, and as much as orgasms feel amazing and powerful and awesome, excitement and orgasms are not what makes us satisfied with our sex lives in the long-run.
The thing that gives rise to true, ongoing satisfaction is staying connected. To yourself, and to your partner. That’s it, folks.
Staying connected sounds really vague, and it probably is. I can’t give you a recipe, or one simple technique to follow. This is why I say it’s an art form. Some people are born with it, others need to develop the skill. And developing the skill, like any other skill, requires a bit of knowledge and a lot of practice.
How to practice satisfying, connecting lovemaking.
In a nutshell, the way to foster a deep connection to ourselves and to our sexual partner, is to meditate. I kid you not.
By meditation, I mean, bringing your attention to your body. To the physical sensations: the touch, the sounds, the smells. And whenever we notice that our mind went off somewhere else (perhaps it’s started worrying you were doing something wrong? Maybe you’re afraid it’s taking you too long? Or too short? Did you start thinking of you to do list for tomorrow?). Whatever the case might be, remind yourself that this is what your mind does and lovingly return your attention to the body.
You can decide to focus on your breath instead of your body if it makes it easier. And the same rule applies: Whenever you realize that your mind wandered off, laugh at it, thank it for doing its job, and remind it that it’s its time off. And go back to your breath.
I know what you think.
Really??? Not trying to get excited? Not making an effort to get my partner willing and able? Is focusing on bodily sensations or on my breath going to make me sexually satisfied? Is that a joke???
From a scientific standpoint, focusing on the here and now is activating the Amygdala. This is the part of the brain which, among other things, is responsible for perceiving other people’s emotions. Hence, when you’re activating it and strengthening its functions, you do become more connected to someone else. In this case — your partner.
Drawing from my personal experience, and from countless others who practice sex this way, there is no equivalent.
Sex does become beautiful, simple, and magical.
And just in case you were wondering — yes, orgasms still appear during sex. At least some of the time… They just tend to happen by themselves, instead of being forced. Which makes them a completely different experience altogether.
At the end of the day, most of what we’ve absorbed form everywhere around us about sex and sexuality is completely wrong. In a society that makes sex a shameful, “wrong”, taboo topic, pretty much every depiction of sex is distorted and twisted.
If you want to delve into the topic further, and give yourself the chance to become truly satisfied and deeply connected, there’s a FREE online event that’s demystifying society’s understanding of women’s sexuality. Every aspect is examined: body image (don’t tell me you still believe you need to look a certain way in order to be attractive?); understanding trauma and effectively releasing it; educating ourselves about how our body actually functions; learning some inspiring truths about the female orgasm; and going through the things you really need to know about relationships and communication.
Do yourself a favor, and learn how you, too, can have a thriving and satisfying sex life.