First, a confession.
It looks like I’m not half as confident as I like to think of myself when it comes to sex.
The other day I strolled into one of my favorite second-hand book stores looking for treasures. I went straight to the sex shelf, the one next to the self-improvement and psychology. I was specifically after books about fellatio, or about oral sex generally, as I was planning to write a blog post as a response to one of my readers. Plus, a book about giving oral pleasure can be fun to have, no?
There were three books about the topic. Guess which one I got?
I was too embarrassed. I conveniently convinced myself that these books will not be beneficial for my article. And since personally I don’t really need them, (did you get my hint of sarcasm just there?) I opted for a much more conventional book: sex after sixty. Knowing I look like the 40 something-year-old, which I am, no one would suspect that it’s for me and no one will have to feel uncomfortable.
Side note: the article about sex after sixty will be written in due course.
For now, I would like to deliver on my promise to my reader and write about:
Oral sex. Slow-style approach.
My reader was sharing that she doesn’t enjoy giving oral pleasure to her partner, but she knows he likes it, and she was asking for advice.
If you are in a relationship in which you both enjoy giving and receiving oral sex then this article is not for you.
If, however, you and/or your partner either don’t like receiving or giving oral sex, please read on.
It’s not mandatory.
People who mostly rely on porn for their sexual education might be under the impression that oral sex is a standard expectation whenever having sex.
It is not.
Oral sex can be very nice indeed. But even if you really enjoy it, this does not mean you have to have it every single time you have sex. Think about it like cake. You love eating cake but it’s not on the menu every meal. Only on some occasions. My main takeaway is that, even if porn culture might indicate otherwise, oral sex doesn’t have to happen every time you have sex.
Another side note, this time about porn. I want to share an analogy that I recently read in a brilliant book called The Wonder Down Under: The Insider’s Guide to the Anatomy, Biology, and Reality of the Vagina. In this book, the authors Nina Brochman and Ellen Stokken Dahl equate porn to extreme sports. We enjoy and get excited by watching people performing extreme sports but that does not mean we all need to go wingsuiting.
It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
There’s nothing wrong with being someone who doesn’t enjoy oral sex. Either on the receiving or the giving side of it.
It can get tricky if both you and your partner like receiving but don’t like giving. However, some combinations could work. Especially when you consider my previous paragraph, and understand that oral sex is not an obligation. It’s something that you only give or receive when you feel like it. As simple as that.
Account keeping kills intimacy.
It’s true about most areas in your partnership. If you keep taking score how many times your partner does the dishes vs. how many times you do the dishes, you’re most likely heading into big trouble. There are lots of other things to take into account, and this is not a case of apples for apples.
With oral sex, this is especially true. In particular, since statistically it is one of the surest ways for women to enjoy an orgasm, some recommend giving women oral pleasure every time you have sex, not implying that women should reciprocate. The book in my last link is completely contradictory to my paragraph in which I claimed that oral sex is an occasional event. It actually promotes the idea that men should give their woman oral pleasure every time they have sex. This is because the emphasis in this book is different to my view of sex. In the book, the claim is that since there’s an orgasm gap, we should fill it by giving women more orgasms. Whereas my idea of filling that gap is by understanding that satisfaction from sex does not come from orgasms exclusively (more on this shortly). Nonetheless, not expecting your partner to return the favor of oral sex is a good place to be. Because — and this is the big point I wanted to make with my article —the best rule of giving the most incredible oral sex to someone is that you only give oral sex when it fully turns you on.
But it never turns me on.
There are a few things that might put off someone from giving and receiving oral sex: the smell, the taste, the texture, gagging reflex (when it comes to giving men), fear of finding something really yucky there (some men are afraid their woman might be during her bleeding phase of the menstruating cycle).
Most sex-related websites will explain how to deal with these issues so I won’t get into too many details. I will only briefly describe the solutions to these:
Smell: Our natural smell is what it is. We have been conditioned to dislike it through years of adhering to our society’s conventions that body odor is something we need to hide under a mountain of chemical products. But not all that long ago, the natural smell of another human being was considered quite arousing.
Nevertheless, since we have been conditioned the way we were, having a thorough shower prior to engaging in oral sex is highly recommended. Just make sure that you use a delicate product that doesn’t disturb the natural pH of your intimate parts.
If the smell is totally offputting even after a shower (and I mean really bad), then it could be an indicator of an imbalance in your genitals. In that case, do yourself a favor and see your physician.
Taste: Is directly related to our sense of smell, see above.
Gagging: There are ways to teach yourself to get over it if you really think that putting an entire penis into your mouth is imperative. However, in most cases, it’s completely unnecessary. Remember the extreme sports analogy I mentioned earlier? Exactly. There are many sensual, pleasurable, creative ways to give someone an amazing oral experience without a deep throating marathon. Think outside the box.
Bodily secretions: We don’t necessarily want to have blood or semen in our mouths. If you suspect your partner might be getting her period, ask her. Decent human beings will let you know if they are bleeding. In regards to semen — if you don’t want it in your mouth, stop just before ejaculation is happening and let your hands finish the work.
You will be encountering some normal secretions that appear in the genitals when we are aroused. If these become too much for you, simply take it incrementally. Read my next paragraph re oral slow-sex style and you’ll understand what I mean.
A third side note for this article. If you don’t like receiving oral sex, many a time it’s due to being disgusted for your partner, even if they’re not disgusted. Or perhaps you feel very uncomfortable about your partner looking at your genitals from that vantage point. If your partner really wants to give you oral pleasure, I would highly recommend you learn how to relax, let go, and let them go at it. Here are a few tips re letting go in bed generally.
Learn to enjoy giving and receiving oral sex — the slow sex way.
We established that oral sex is not a requirement. If you feel pressured to doing it, it is a completely different experience than when you are thrilled and excited about it. Most loving, caring partners would much rather the latter.
If you are genuinely disturbed by the whole thing, don’t bother. However, if you know how much your partner enjoys oral sex and you want to gift it to them, I highly recommend trying slow-sex style oral.
When practicing slow sex, our main focus is connecting to ourselves and to our partner. We are not aiming for an orgasm of any kind (although they do tend to arrive by themselves at times). We explore our body and its interactions with our partner’s body. We come with curiosity and acceptance of whatever might present itself. In order to maintain this mindfulness, we need to slow down our movements, hence the name slow sex. The energies are sensual rather than sexual.
Applying these principles for oral sex means that we do everything softly. A soft gaze, a soft mouth, a soft tongue. Slow, long movements. Constantly remaining connected to our own pleasure and to our partner’s. We’re not trying to make them orgasm. We explore the journey of our mouth over their genitals. And we move on from there when we feel called to explore something else.
When this is the oral sex approach, instead of a hard-core race to get someone to orgasm, most people find it arousing and pleasing. It is not as straining or embarrassing. It’s usually exciting and fulfilling.
Remember that when things get too exciting in sex, it is harder to maintain the slow, mindful approach. Our bodies start to get restless and we crave a “closure” of some sort. That’s totally fine, but if we don’t want to do the oral marathon, we can move to other forms of enjoyable sex when we feel like going harder and faster.
If you’re not really into oral sex but you know how much your partner would appreciate it if you go down on them, you can:
- Only do it occasionally;
- Minimize the aspects that make you cringe about oral delight;
- Go super-slow and tap into your own arousal while giving them pleasure, wholeheartedly.