Last year, Christmas was outstanding.
My daughter was away for a couple of days, spending Christmas with her dad. And I had time by myself, alone in the house on the outskirts of Sydney – along with the Eucalypts, the birds, and the quietness.
I was really looking forward to staying at home and doing nothing.
Then, a friend decided to come over. We said we’ll go for a little walk in the nature trail at the end of the street. Instead, we had sex.
It was the best Christmas ever.
A little bit of context.
I met this friend a couple of months earlier on OK Cupid. We quickly realized that nothing romantic will happen between us: he didn’t want to get involved with a single mom, and I didn’t really relate to his approach to life. On the verge of being annoyed by it.
For some odd reason, we kept in touch and became friends. I think we both felt some connection between us even though we didn’t want to be romantically involved. I admit that I did feel a sexual tension between us, but we were only friends. Until that Christmas.
He arrived on Christmas Eve, and instead of going for a hike, we spent the afternoon in the bedroom. And then most of Christmas day, too.
I was feeling very calm with him. I trusted him 100% (no, 200%), and the sex was slow.
It was really lovely.
It was my friend’s first encounter with slow sex, and he wanted to know more. He was really surprised that none of his exes knew how to make love like that…
I thought to myself that after having sex, we’ll “get it out of our systems” and the sexual tension will diminish, thus we could be simply friends from then onwards.
But the connection between us grew stronger.
That was a start of a beautiful relationship.
We decided to be “an exclusive couple”. Just for 6 months and then have a think together how to progress from there.
To me, his presence in my life was unquestionable. The connection was so strong – it felt familiar almost like family. Sure, I still got annoyed by his approach to life, but I knew I could trust him to be there for me. And I never felt like I need to impress him – I was totally me. He wasn’t phased by any part of myself, even those parts that I try to hide from most other people.
We knew this relationship won’t last for too long.
And perhaps the fact that it had an expiration date on it, made it more desirable.
After 6 months have passed we were still inconclusive. We wanted to stay together but we knew it’s not good for us.
The attachment between us just grew bigger. And having slow sex regularly proved itself to be more connecting than ever.
Luckily for us, he had a trip planned to Europe for a month, and we knew this would be a good opportunity for us to break the attachment and say our goodbyes.
That trip was in August. And the attachment is still not fully over yet.
Love as an Addiction.
Dr. Helen Fisher is researching the brains of people in love, and she can see a clear pattern in the brain of people in love which follows the same pathways as addiction to substances. She reckons a break up should be treated like a rehab period. In order to stop longing for your addiction, you must cut all ties with it and focus on something different. She reckons breaking up but staying close to your ex is equivalent to leaving a bottle of liquor on the table of a recovering alcoholic.
Which is why, although I hope we’ll stay friends forever, I insist we don’t see each other until we don’t really want to see each other anymore. Or, in other words, until the addiction is over.
Why I’m so grateful for this relationship.
This last relationship was very special to me.
My friend was, for the duration of our romantic relationship, like family. We shared small and big events with each other. And I know I can always trust him to be there for me if I ever needed his help.
The biggest gift that he gave me, though, is this blog.
It was his idea that I teach people about sex.
He said it as a joke not too long after that special Chrismas day, and I took it seriously.
And now here I am… Writing about women’s sexuality.
My friend still reads most of my blog posts (yes, including this one) and he encourages me on the path that he has opened for me.
Wishes for this coming Christmas.
I wish us all a loving, connecting, peaceful Christmas.