Sexuality Myth Busting.

Thinking people don’t take things at face value.

We examine and explore and look at information to test if it holds true in our experience.

This is true for women and men alike.

And if you read my blog, there’s a good chance you’re one of us.

This website is written for those who like to question what most people take for granted. For those who examine so-called “facts” and check if they pass the reality test according to their personal experience. It might not be the most popular blog ever, but that’s OK. Luckily for us, we know that popularity is not an indicator of truth and/or wisdom.

Finding solutions to common ailments and life’s problems requires a good amount of investigation, unlearning and reprogramming of our understanding of life.

And although I focus my writings on sexuality and sex, ideally, we apply a similar process to any area of our lives.

Myth busting 1: being attractive means complying with a certain set of standards.

I have a memory of myself as a very young child, feeling a tremendous amount of love toward my older cousin. I remember thinking to myself that he was so pretty. And I knew, even as a young child, that it was completely subjective. Thinking that he was beautiful was due to me somehow resonating with his soul, and not the other way around.

Many people have shared with me a similar experience in regards to finding their partner attractive. We find the looks of someone else appealing – and sexually attractive – because we feel connected to their being.

Understanding this should make it perfectly clear that we shouldn’t be investing our time and energy into looking a certain way. A way that we think is attractive according to some arbitrary set of parameters that changes with society and time.

Instead, we should invest our time and energy into becoming the person we want to be, and the person who will find that attractive will see your body as irresistible, too.

Myth busting 2: We need to be slim and fit.

If you decide to believe this common myth that being physically fit and relatively slim will bring you happiness, it’s up to you.

But the thinking woman has done her research that shows that actually, being slim does not mean being healthy. That diets – even if they are very popular and done mostly for health reasons – even if they sound really logical and you subscribe to the blogs that hail them – are a fad. Even if they are called ‘raw vegan’, ‘paleo’, ‘keto’, ‘low FODMAP’ or any other fancy name.

And really, a low-stress lifestyle is much more conducive to health and weight loss than any dietary regime; and that living a typical Western lifestyle will usually not provide any stress-relief whatsoever.

Myth busting 3: being spiritual means adhering to some strict set of rules.

If you follow some religion or spiritual teachings, you may have come across a situation where the religious paradigm was different to your personal beliefs or experience or understanding of life.

You might have decided to adopt religion’s view. Perhaps you have decided to put your differences aside and focus only on the things you appreciate as a spiritual disciple.

But as a thinking person, you know that something’s off.

Now, I know this might not be very popular with some of my readers. But let me tell you.

If your spiritual teacher or religious leader tells you to believe in, or do something, that contradicts your inner intuition that God is pure love – it’s time to find a new religion. As simple as that.

As a thinking person, you are most probably going to encounter doubt when looking into spiritual teachings. And your teacher should be able to take this doubt and use it as a tool for strengthening your conviction of this path. If your teacher is unable to accommodate your doubt, it’s time to find a new teacher. One that is wise enough to know that doubt is a sign of an inquisitive mind – and that an inquiry is another mean to finding God.

Following a spiritual religion as a thinking person is not about following rules and guidelines. It’s about examing the spiritual teachings and seeing if, when you apply them to your life, you become happier, wiser, kinder, and more loving.

And just to state the obvious – if your religion or spiritual teaching dictate for you who you should love or be attracted to; if it tells you what you should or shouldn’t enjoy or experiment with sexually; if it tells you that God will judge you negatively if you prefer to do anything differently to what your leader tells you – it’s time to search for a new path.

Myth busting 4: having an exciting sex life will make your life better.

If you believe the most common sex advice out there, you’re in for big trouble. Sure, an exciting sex life sounds like something we all crave for… But it comes with its own repercussions.

To make something exciting, we need ongoing novelty. We need to chase it, re-invent it, desire it. We need sex to be more: exhilarating; ground-shaking; mind-blowing.

If you read this blog long enough you probably know already, that it makes more sense to calm things down. Tuning into your subtle sensual sensations is much more rewarding in the long-run than having a very strong orgasm.

And the return to innocence – the experience of sex as a beautiful, meditative, healing activity – permeates every aspect of your life. You become more satisfied and grounded in your life as a whole. Your relationship with your partner becomes more solid and stable.

As a thinking woman, start experimenting with slow sex and see how it affects your relationship with sex, with your partner, and with life.

Myth busting 5: Your life should be good – and if it’s not, it means something is wrong.

This is perhaps one of the most important myths in life. It’s not about sexuality but I decided to include it in my article, because why not.

We have this sense that things that go wrong in our life – whether it is our health, our relationships, our wealth – need to be addressed and changed to accommodate for our own preferences.

Like any Buddhist will happily tell you – the first Noble Truth is: “life is suffering”.

But the answer is not necessarily changing our life. Suffering is just a symptom. If we change the reason for suffering – the symptom – then we have not removed the root cause of suffering. Suffering will return all the time, just in different shapes and forms.

There are many ways to find your way to end the suffering.

You can go the Buddha way and find enlightenment.

Another way to look at it is through the eyes of the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

As a thinking human, I know you are already on the path to finding peace and happiness.

When it comes to sexuality, if you are suffering or have difficulties – perhaps it’s time you stop looking for solutions and instead change your understanding and relationship with sex altogether.

Amen.