Some of the women I had the pleasure to speak to about slow sex, voiced their concern in one form or another, that although making love in a conscious, mindful, slow manner sounds intriguing and promising, they are worried that their partner won’t see the benefit of practising sex this way.
Let me start by telling you something that anyone who studied the nature of male-female relationships will tell you: men actually feel satisfied by knowing that they were a contributing factor to their woman’s happiness.
In her book Slow Sex – The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, Nicole Deadonne quotes one of her male students: “One of my male students explained it best: “If she’s happy, it makes me happier.” This is the life-giving secret: He judges how well he is doing by the happiness of the woman he is with. The measure of his manhood is how happy you are. The happier you are, the happier he will be. When you are turned on, there’s nothing he can’t do.” (P169)
This is probably one of the reasons that caring partners judge themselves by their ability to make their woman orgasm. The problem is, they often don’t know how to deeply please their woman in bed. They develop some performance anxiety because they are really trying hard to make their woman satisfied. As mentioned in James N. Powell’s book, Slow Love – A Polynesian Pillow Book: “Many men have expressed surprise that by doing such a simple thing as resting within their lover – after arousal and penetration – their lover experiences tender feelings of fulfilment. Often, they say that they had been under the false impression that they must do a lot in order to satisfy their woman, only to find that by doing almost nothing, they accomplish almost everything.” (P93)
Now, I want to address a few misconceptions and ideas that you or your partner might have around slow sex, that could be holding you back from giving it a go:
When you practice Slow Sex the man can’t have an orgasm.
This is the biggest misconception. When you practice slow sex, both you and your partner are focusing on the sensations everywhere around your body. You are also focusing on emotions and thoughts that come up for you. In no way does this mean, that if an orgasm starts to appear, you should stop it. Actually, with conventional sex, many times men need to focus on not orgasming if they want to keep going for longer and not to orgasm too quickly. With slow sex, the excitement is usually toned down enough so that your man will be able to keep on going for a very long time without needing to focus on not orgasming. Instead of having to resort to thinking about really sad/mundane things in order to postpone his orgasm – your man will actually be able to enjoy himself for longer. And if and when an orgasm emerges, it has the potential to be something very different to the orgasm that your man is experiencing with conventional sex. Worth to give it a go!
Slow Sex is Boring.
In our society, we are used to fast everything. From fast food to fast internet to quickly get to whichever destination that you want to be at. A lot of us forgot how to simply lean back and relax. When we take things slowly, we think it’s boring. And truth be told, sometimes it is. But the main reason it is boring is because we allowed our mind to take over and be agitated. ‘I could do so many productive things in my time, why should I invest in this?’ Well. This – meaning, slow sex, is actually one of the most enjoyable ways to deeply connect with your partner and invest in your relationship. There are other ways, of course. You could go to a sex therapist. Or a couple’s counsellor. Or do a relationship course together. But wouldn’t your partner prefer simply having sex as a way to deepen your relationship?
Men want to have sex just so they can have a quick release.
Sometimes we all just want a quick release, regardless of our gender. But most of us want to have sex with our partner as a mean to connect. To express our mutual attraction and appreciation of one another. And remember the statement from the beginning of this post? Most loving men have a strong desire to please their woman. They really do want their woman to be happy. They really do want their woman to enjoy sex. They really do want to make their woman orgasm. The problem is, when you have been on a plateau for so long, your man might have already given up. He might feel resentful or discouraged because his previous efforts to please you weren’t necessarily successful. Or he might be genuinely trying to please you still and simply isn’t sure how. If you are in a generally loving relationship, your partner is seeking affection and validation that his efforts are being appreciated, accepted and also – in one way or another – reciprocated. Slow sex will provide him with a terrific opportunity to see you utterly pleased. And it is quite likely that your sincere appreciation of his willingness alone will be a good motivation for him to want to do it over and over again.
My man won’t be interested in practising slow sex just to please me.
The only thing I have to say is – are you sure? What else have you tried to spice up your sex life? Sex toys? Role play? Other partners? Kama Sutra positions? Why wouldn’t he simply give this a try, too? You both need to remember that practising slow sex is merely another option in your sexual repertoire. You can always have any type of sex that you like. And you might find that, over time, slow sex becomes so powerfully connecting that other ways of having sex are simply not as attractive as they used to be.
I don’t want to imply to my partner that I don’t fully enjoy sex with him because I don’t want to hurt him.
Our experience of sex changes all the time. We can’t expect to enjoy the way we had sex at the beginning of our relationship, throughout the entire course of the duration of a long-term relationship. In saying that, sex can be a very painful subject to talk about. You need to make sure you talk to your partner as a lover. He is your lover. You are his lover. Find the way to talk to him so that he falls in love with you just by the way that you brought this subject up. Your partner might not realize that the things he used to do in some situations are not as enjoyable on other occasions. Learning how to talk to your partner about sex in a way that makes him want to please you is priceless. It is your responsibility if you care for yourself and for your relationship.
If you’re still not sure that your partner will enjoy the practice of slow sex, I have interviewed a (male!) friend of mine in a very open and honest discussion about sex. The most daring discussion that I had so far with a man that is not my partner… I will be sharing his views, experiences and insights with you in my next blog post.