In a Long-Term Relationship.
You know how sex at the start of a relationship is exciting and intoxicating?
You know how sex later on in the same relationship becomes boring and predictable?
Well, it doesn’t have to be this way.
And before I introduce you to the two approaches that will keep your sex life something to look forward to, I want to explain why it becomes boring to start with.
Why does sex become boring?
When we get something we desire, we get really excited. After a while, though, our excitement is gradually being eroded.
Our brain is wired in such a way that new, unfamiliar territories are explored to the max. As long as the landscape is still a mystery, we need to pay full attention to whatever might be lying ahead.
And while we make this detailed tour and study the possibilities, our brain takes note of everything. It categorizes and labels what it encounters. Until the terrain becomes familiar enough.
Once we know our way, our brain can relax. It feels secure and it does not need to stay constantly alert.
This is the reason that familiarity equates with becoming bored.
It is natural in pretty much every aspect of our lives, and relationships are no different.
The first stages of a relationship tend to be exhilarating to unequivocal degrees. Having sex from that space can feel intoxicating.
We soak into our experience every sight, every sound, every touch.
Then, gradually, the new partner is not so new anymore, and instead of exploring the possibilities, sex goes on auto-pilot.
Sex becomes repetitive, predicted, perfunctory. In other words, sex becomes boring.
Approach #1: Bring the Excitement Back.
This is the more popular approach of the two, and it’s the one you are more likely to encounter everywhere around you.
It could be described as spicing up your sex life.
Miss the excitement? Then bring it back!
If it’s not the partner itself that gets you excited, you can get excited about other things that you do with your partner. In bed.
That’s when novelty in the form of sex toys, roleplay, fetishes, threesomes, moresomes, non-monogamy (you get the gist of it) is introduced into the bedroom.
The list is endless, and you could keep introducing new rousing ideas for as long as you’d like.
As long as you and your partner are open-minded to try everything at least once, this approach is sure to provide what you are after. Excitements galore.
Approach #2: Tap into the Endless Realm of Mindfulness.
This is the less familiar approach of the two, as it is questioning our entire premise that sex should be exciting.
Instead of artificially bringing back the excitement, this approach teaches you how to have sex in a way that does not require excitement at all.
It’s the equivalent of saying: don’t try to prevent sex from becoming boring. Instead, embrace boredom in the bedroom.
Surprisingly, embracing boredom is not actually boring.
Embracing boredom means that we understand our mind’s tendency to grow familiar with things, and we train our brain to refocus on what we assume we already know. Our mind operates in this way: “I already know this, so I’m bored, and I’ll start thinking of other things.” When we direct our brain back to the present moment, we find that there’s still plenty to be investigated.
In other words, we get our mind to focus on that which it takes for granted already.
In the context of sex, this means bringing our attention into our body, into our partner’s body, and to whatever rises spontaneously in the present moment.
What we learn through practicing sex this way, is that even though it might not be exciting, it is vast.
There’s a limitless potential of going deeper. We are greeted with new sensations, and as we fine-tune our ability to feel, we find more and more layers to be explored. Perhaps it’s not exciting, but it’s definitely not boring.
For more about how to practice sex this way, read here.
Which Approach Is Best?
Marrying both of these approaches works wonders.
As an individual, you might have a preference for one approach, while your partner prefers the other approach. On top of that, you might find that your own preference shifts and changes with time.
You don’t have to choose one or the other.
You could decide to alternate between the approaches, or perhaps combine them. Say, apply focused mindfulness while you are using your favorite sex toy. Or perhaps starting with a slow sex session which then transforms into a fantasy roleplay to finish things off.
The bottom line is that you don’t have to be afraid of boredom.
You just need to look at boredom in the eye and practice sex in a way that transcends it.