When I started this blog, I was in a really beautiful relationship.
It was the best relationship of my life so far.
We had lots of things in common. We had a very intimate connection. The sex was the best I ever experienced with anyone. And the way we communicated with each other, verbally and non-verbally, made me feel so secure and loved. I think we had formed a perfect “couple bubble”, a term taken from Stan Tatkin’s book Wired for Love.
Only it wasn’t meant to be. It lasted some 8 or 9 months and then we had to move on. Our long-term relationship goals did not match. We had quite a few conscious discussions to see if we can bridge that gap. When we realized this gap is too wide for us to bridge, we parted.
We had a very strong attachment to each other which was difficult to let go. And I long for this type of secure attachment in my next relationship.
Now, a few months down the track, here I am. Back in the dating scene, full steam ahead.
Online dating can be daunting.
Looking through profiles. Finding ones that seem to have some common ground with mine. Starting a conversation that will keep the other interested. Being myself yet not revealing too much.
Trying to understand what he means when he communicates with enigmatic text messages.
Keeping myself safe when meeting someone I don’t know and never met before.
Starting from scratch getting to know someone.
Practicing patience when he is paced much slower than I am.
Practicing courage when he is advancing much faster than I would prefer.
Getting confused when the same person advances quickly on one front and takes things slowly on another front.
Taking extra care not to hurt or offend anyone as I don’t know his personal baggage.
Figuring out someone else’s sense of humor.
Being rejected. At times, by ones I thought had amazing potential for a lifetime of intimacy before I even had a chance to see their faults. Never really knowing why.
Rejecting someone that triggered my emotions too quickly and self-doubting it was the right decision.
Online dating can be lots of fun.
Meeting all sorts of different people at a perfect setup for deep, meaningful, 1-on-1 conversations.
Enjoying some beautiful restaurants, picnics in the park, laughter, and flirting.
Experiencing some enjoyable moments without thinking too much about the future.
Being pleasantly surprised by those dates which I had zero expectations for.
Embracing the courageousness of being vulnerable.
Keeping an open heart, knowing it might get hurt, hoping it will find its compatible counterpart.
Online dating can be mysterious.
You. Which I have rejected because you confused me to a degree I thought you might be mentally unstable.
You carried me on your wings with your excitement and admiration before we even met, then dropped me to the ground by ignoring me altogether. And you did this repeatedly. Almost methodically.
You triggered unprecedented eagerness in me, then uncontrollable anger.
You are the only person ever which I canceled a date on. After looking forward to it for 3 weeks, the night before our date you didn’t simply drop me to the ground: you threw me to it with ferocity.
Two months passed.
And then you arrived. On the border of the metropolis, in my neck of the wood (and quite far away from your own I might add), in a city with more than 4 million people. On a weekday’s morning. You decided to hop on the same bus as me and sit on the same row, with only one narrow aisle separating between us. What are the odds?
You didn’t recognize me, and to be honest, I wasn’t completely sure it was you as we never really met. But when you picked up your phone I could hear your voice. Your unmistakable accent.
It was you indeed.
Triggering confusion, amazement, and, to be completely honest, shock.
The bus reached my destination. I quickly said “hi” on my way out and you still had no clue it was me.
I don’t think we are meant for each other. It was made clear when I texted you, telling you about the bus encounter and giving us a chance at redemption.
Maybe one day I’ll find meaning in this puzzling, short “date” ever.
For the time being, it will stay a mystery.