I have received a few emails from my female readers about the way they’re experiencing sex with their long-term partners.
They go something like this:
“We are committed and we love each other very much but the sex is not that great. Although he tries to please me, makes sure I come before he does (or at least gives it his best shot until I fake one), then he orgasms, the whole thing from start to finish can take about 10 minutes… But I don’t feel completely satisfied. I’m not sure if I even like sex at all. How can I save our relationship?”
If this sounds familiar, and you have a version of this in your own sex life, this article is for you.
Sex is not a 10-minutes roller-coaster ride.
When I grew up, we used to call these “quickies”. But these days, it seems like 10 minutes has become the standard. And I’m not talking about the time-after-penetration. I’m talking about the whole shebang, foreplay included.
I can guess it has something to do with porn culture.
You go to the popular porn sites, you don’t even need to use your imagination anymore, and you’re going to orgasm pretty quickly. Hey, you even see these ads “try not to cum in 5 minutes”.
Like it’s a desirable thing? To orgasm that quickly?
Now. Please don’t get me wrong. I have nothing again watching a bit of porn here and there. And I am certainly not the one to shun away from quickies.
Like the other day.
My man and I were in the mood and we went for it. A real quickie. We both orgasmed in only 30 minutes. Wait, what? You read it right.
Our quickie takes roughly 30 minutes.
When our normal sex session takes anywhere between 1 hour to 90 minutes (and sometimes up to 2 hours), a 30 minutes session is definitely a quickie. But here are the things I want you to bear in mind:
Sex starts waaaaay before you go at it:
There’s a saying that I really like, that for women to be ready for sex, foreplay needs to start immediately after their orgasm.
I couldn’t agree more.
Most women need to feel loved and appreciated by their man in order to be in the mood for sex. They need to know that their man finds them attractive even after all these years, even though their body has changed and doesn’t look the same as when they met.
And yes, it can be as simple as taking the trash out without being asked. Or as simple as looking at her with a loving gaze and saying nothing. A soft kiss on the cheek while walking past her.
Touching each other affectionately for no reason is a key component for having a sexually thriving relationship. Every now and then it might lead to sex, but as a rule of thumb, touching is just another way of saying: “I’m here and I like you“.
So you could argue that our quickies really take a few days… If you want to look at every kiss, every touch, and every smile since we last had sex as foreplay.
Women need more time:
Most people know this, but many women still feel pressured into having a quick orgasm just so their man can go about having an orgasm as well. We do our best to orgasm, and we also believe that if it takes us too long it’s because something is wrong with us.
This is especially true when women can easily and quickly orgasm by themselves, but find it more challenging with a partner.
Without going through the reasons why it takes us longer, let us just accept the fact that for most women, reaching a point of orgasm takes longer. So a typical sex session should not be quick. And specifically, direct stimulation of the clitoris – which is usually considered the surest way to induce a woman’s orgasm – is not something that you’re supposed to start with. It’s something that you end with. You stimulate the clitoris when the woman is already well into her own pleasure zone.
Generally speaking, taking it slowly prolongs the whole sex experience and it is more pleasurable for everyone involved.
Who has time for 90 minutes sex-sessions?
Thing is, when you have 10-minute quickies, they are not that fulfilling. Orgasm or not, they are simply not satisfying enough. Soon after you want more sex, unconsciously hoping that this time it will be better. If you just do more, try harder, achieve a stronger orgasm… Sure, if you need to have sex every single day, then 90 minutes sex sessions are unsustainable.
But when your 90-minutes (or more) leaves you utterly accomplished and fully pleased, you don’t have an urge to have sex every single day. This is what deep satisfaction do to you: it fulfills your need for sex. It fulfills your need for connection. It fulfills your need for love.
Most couples can set aside 1 hour or more for a delicious sex session once a week. And you’ll probably realize that you don’t need much more other than that.
Quickies can be loads of fun.
I’m not saying 10-minute sex sessions can’t be fun. Of course they can be. And if you are both enjoying them ongoingly, that’s super.
But if they are the main form of sex in your relationship, and if one of you feels unsatisfied more often than not, then it’s time to examine your attitude toward sex. As a couple. Because (and allow me to quote the Cookie Monster when I say), quickies are a sometime sex.
Both men and women can benefit from having longer, slower sex-sessions on a regular basis.
(If you want to try it and not sure how to bring the topic up with your partner, read here).
Enjoy your quickies. Enjoy your slow sex sessions.
Having an amazing sex life is not as complicated as it seems. But it might be 180 degrees different to what you imagined it “should” be.