Female orgasm. It’s a tricky subject for some women. It sure was a tricky one for me.
According to a few popular medical websites, a huge percentage (70% or more, depending on where you got the information from) of women do not orgasm through intercourse alone. Reads: while the penis is inside the vagina, if there is no other stimulus, most women do not experience an orgasm.
In contrast, I recently came across an article with the title “7 types of orgasms you need to have now” which listed 7 different locations in the female body, which, when stimulated in the right way, will lead to an orgasm. It mentioned the famous clitoral orgasm, vaginal orgasm, and G-spot orgasm, but also nipple orgasms, A-spot orgasms and a couple more.
Knowing that there are so many opportunities for orgasms, but none is easily available for some women, is quite discouraging, one would think.
First, let’s make sure that we’re all on the same page here. What is an orgasm exactly? The definition of an orgasm, according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, is:
“…the rapid pleasurable release of neuromuscular tensions at the height of sexual arousal that is usually accompanied by the ejaculation of semen in the male and by vaginal contractions in the female”
Most people strongly associate the female orgasm with the experience of vaginal contractions. Although the definition clearly states “usually accompanied… by vaginal contractions in the female”. Usually. Meaning, vaginal contractions are not the sign that a woman is having an orgasm.
A few teachings that I studied, have attempted to redefine the word “orgasm” in order to diminish the expectation for vaginal contractions. The emphasis in these teachings is simply on the height of sexual arousal.
Diana Richardson calls these experiences Valley Orgasms (as opposed to Peak Orgasms). The One Taste organization labels them as Orgasm 2.0. Saida Desilets has decided to change the definition of Orgasm for herself, as a highly pleasurable sexual experience, which means that there is no requirement of the presence of contractions at all.
As for myself, I make an effort not to care.
When I say I make an effort not to care, it’s because sometimes, in the midst of things, when I am having an amazingly pleasurable sexual experience, all of a sudden I notice that my mind goes: “ooooh… I’m about to have an orgasm! Wow” and then… Guess what? A lot of the time… It doesn’t come. As if the act of labeling it, the sheer thought “orgasm” is halting the process. Or putting it to a stop altogether.
In the past, my attitude towards sex was pretty much goal-oriented towards the peak type of orgasm, and if it didn’t happen, my disappointment stained the entire sexual encounter.
These days, my sexual attitude has changed to the degree that I don’t care if I experience a peak orgasm or an orgasm 2.0 or a G-spot orgasm or any type of orgasm at all. When I’m in this all-encompassing pleasure zone, it’s so beautiful that I do not need to label it as anything.
Sometimes after such an amazing experience, my partner would ask me “did you have an orgasm?” and I look at him rather puzzled… I don’t know! Or, I was on the verge of an orgasm the entire time and it was so blissful and I don’t need or want anything on top of that.
This is what I refer to as “The best orgasm I never had”.
Most people don’t get that.
They are still stuck in the black-and-white orgasm paradigm.
And women are buying into that.
They think that if they didn’t experience the vaginal contractions, then surely something is wrong with them. And they seek solutions to fix a problem that doesn’t even exist…
I don’t care which definition of orgasm you decide to adopt. Personally, I could easily say that I’m having valley orgasms all the time while having sex… And I am also more than happy to stick to the old definition (vaginal contractions orgasm) and say – “Hey, I don’t have all that many orgasms, but my sex life is amazingly awesome nonetheless”.
Which leads me to another thing I wanted to ponder about:
The Emotional Quality Of an Orgasm
We tend to compare and evaluate our experiences. And more often than not, we compare the quality of our orgasms. You know what I’m talking about, right?
I’m suggesting here that instead of judging our orgasms by their physical quality (intensity/length etc), perhaps let us look at our emotional state after the orgasm. Did we feel relieved? embarrassed? ashamed? uplifted? annoyed? disconnected? joyful? disappointed?drained? alive?
How about the following thought experiment: try to recall if a specific emotion is consistently present after an orgasm that was obtained by –
- Stimulating yourself with your own hands;
- Stimulating yourself with an external device (vibrator/dildo etc);
- Your partner intentionally stimulating a specific area of your body;
- Your partner is lovingly having his penis inside you;
- Any other way of obtaining an orgasm that you experienced.
(if you never experienced an orgasm through some (or any) of these methods, simply imagine that you did. This thought experiment will work just as well)
There are no “right” or “wrong”, “better” or “worse” answers. And it doesn’t mean anything if you ever felt guilty after, say, masturbating (well… perhaps it means that you were conditioned to believe that there’s something wrong with masturbating… But that’s the subject for another blog post).
Looking at your emotional state after having an orgasm could simply be another window in which to view what might hold you back from fully enjoying your sex life.
In my own experience, the orgasms that are obtained while I’m totally aligned with my core values and my own innate sexuality, are uplifting, invigorating and satisfying.
Whether you experience a classic orgasm or a 2.0 version orgasm, I invite you to look into the emotional aspect of your orgasm and see if it makes any difference to your sex life.
If you want to know more:
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