A couple of weeks ago I asked you to send me your questions about sex and sexuality.

And the questions I received inspired me to write quite a few blog posts. The first one I would like to start with is the one that will answer probably what underlines a good 95% of the questions.

It’s about being confident. And it’s about being open and vulnerable.

Now, you might think there’s an oxymoron here. There’s none.

See, confidence is not about being arrogant.

It’s not about not having any doubts or about hiding your faults.

It’s about knowing that you are loved regardless.

Confidence means you feel at ease being completely exposed.

Whether it’s your naked body or your emotional insecurities, when you feel confident, you are comfortable with these.

Because, and this is the funny part (or maybe it’s actually sad?…) when you try to hide an element of yourself, or when you pretend that everything’s OK when it’s not – you hope that things will work out miraculously by themselves. But if you pay attention, you know that things get more difficult. More complicated. And it gets worse with time.

This is one of the reasons most of us have so many issues around sex: we were taught to hide it, to never expose it or talk about it, and to feel shame around it. So most of us developed such a bad relationship with our own innate sexuality that we don’t even know where to find it anymore. And our confidence has plummeted. We feel so ashamed that we can’t even acknowledge it, nevertheless tell our sexual partner that we feel awkward about it.

What happens when you do feel confident?

You can be 100% you all of the time. When you are scared/nervous/disappointed – you just say it. You don’t try to hide it. You don’t act it out. You reveal it before it becomes so big that you can’t control it.

You ask for what you want. But you do it in a way that is irresistible. Not in a nagging, pushy way. When you are 100% you, your energy is not invested in pretending you are something you are not. You have the resources to feel your partner’s vibe. So the communication between the two of you is quintessential.

You find the partner that likes you as you are. If you allow all of you to be expressed, if you don’t pretend to be someone you’re not – then, obviously, the person that finds you attractive likes you. Period.

I wrote more about the confident lover here.

How to develop confidence:

It’s actually not as tricky is it might sound.

And it’s mostly a case of practice.

I know you might think I’m crazy, but trust me, when it comes to confidence in sexuality, practice makes perfect better.

No, you don’t need to be perfectly confident. Just confident enough to bring up the issues that are important for you. The more you talk openly with your partner, the easier it becomes. Until it is so effortless you don’t need to give it another thought.

Here are some tips to get you started with developing that confidence.

Start small:

Perhaps a topic that is not so completely uncomfortable. Just mildly so. Think about something that has the least potential to hurt for your partner.

Be creative:

Whenever talking about something that is not easy for you, ease into it. Start with an activity that you both will enjoy, perhaps even be a bit silly. How about – a bubble bath? Making faces to the mirror together? Singing out loud your favorite song? Having a pillow fight? Just don’t take yourself so seriously… It helps!

Be honest and vulnerable:

Let your partner know that you feel uncomfortable/embarrassed/shy. Perhaps even ask them for your help and encouragement. Say something like: “This is so embarrassing for me to admit but it’s important for me to be honest with you so here goes:…”

Non-verbal communication:

Sometimes a few touches, or even gestures, can have a big impact. Instead of telling your partner you want them to change the pace/pressure/position, you could gently show them with your own body movements (accompanied by a loving smile of course!)

In the next few weeks, I will address a few specific issues that you wrote to me about, and I will show you how the confident lover would deal with them.

And if you have any further questions – it’s never too late 🙂