If you haven’t heard about Esther Perel, this is a brilliant introduction.

She wrote the bestseller: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. And she’s one of my heroes.

Here are some of the many intelligent things she has to say:

“This is the first time in the history of humankind where we are trying to experience sexuality in the long term, not because we want 14 children… ….and not because it is exclusively a woman’s marital duty…. …this is the first time that we want sex, over time, about pleasure and connection that is rooted in desire.”

“Reconciling our need for security and our need for adventure into one relationship (or what today we call passionate marriage) used to be a contradiction in terms.”

It’s worth it to listen carefully to everything she has to say. Her research led her to realize what erotic couples do:

• They have a lot of sexual privacy.
• They start foreplay at the end of the previous orgasm.
• They understand that an erotic space is a place where you leave your worries and responsibilities behind.
• They understand that passion can come and go, and they know how to bring it back.
• And they don’t rely on spontaneity to bring it back – they actively bring it back.

I hope you enjoy her TED talk.