I recently conducted a survey among my readers, in which one of the questions that I asked was: “What would you like to know more of around the subject of your own sexuality?”.
A big percentage of the women readers answered, in one form or another – orgasm.
The answers varied from simply “Orgasm” to “Why are my orgasms inconsistent and unreliable?” to “Why can I reach X type of orgasm but not Y type of orgasm?”
Which is why I decided to write this piece. It’s what they didn’t teach you in sex ed at school but should have.
Things you really need to know about the female orgasm:
1. An orgasm is not the goal of having sex.
An orgasm is a by-product of enjoying sex. This is, really, the most important thing you need to know about the female orgasm.
If you fully understand this principle, you wouldn’t need to learn anything else.
What I’m saying, basically, is that you need to cultivate an approach of eagerness around sex.
That means you need to find the way in which merely thinking about sex makes you feel excited.
Now, some women can truly feel this elated feeling, only to have it obscured while actually starting to have sex. For some women, it’s tricky to keep that excitement while having sex, as it is being pushed aside by thoughts and distractions. If you do get excited about sex but then in the bedroom you struggle to find that enthusiasm – I highly recommend that you read my article “How to let go in bed”.
You need to search for your own truth – your inner guidance – that thing that sparks your vitality from within.
When you tap into your true innate sexuality, and every sexual encounter is celebrated and relished – you become “orgasmic”. And when you become orgasmic, you don’t need to chase any orgasms. Although there’s a good chance the orgasms will find you even when you’re not searching for them.
For more information on having a truly satisfying sex life – orgasm or not – here’s the free e-course to enjoy a lifelong of fulfilling sex.
2. There are no different “types” of orgasm.
Contradictory to what you might have read in some popular websites, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm.
There might be different ways to achieve an orgasm, but scientifically speaking, an orgasm that was achieved by clitoral stimulation is no different to one achieved by stimulating the G-spot (which, by the way, some people say is the conjunction of the clitoral legs – that means that the “G-spot” is merely a part of the clitoris. Imagine that).
For years we were influenced by Freud’s hypothesis that the vagina is the counter-organ of the penis, and thus he postulated that an orgasm that is achieved by stimulating the vagina is superior. What a bunch of baloney! Sorry, Freud, you got this one totally wrong.
First of all, in the embryo, the organ that will develop into a penis for a boy is the same organ that develops into a clitoris for a girl. So if anything, a penis orgasm should be the equivalent of a clitoral orgasm.
Second, the female orgasm, regardless of the way it was achieved – tends to vary tremendously anyway. Their duration; their intensity; the state of mind of the woman while experiencing it.
And no scientific study ever found that one type of stimulation produced a distinguishably different type of orgasm.
Point is – if you ever got the impression that vaginal orgasms are better for some reason, and you are wondering why you’re not achieving them – it’s time to drop it. Read point number 1: you have made “achieving an orgasm of type X” your goal and it simply ruins the fun.
3. Most women’s enjoyment of sex – and hence the ability to climax – is context dependent.
That means, even if you do the exact same thing like you did before, either with your lover or by yourself – if the conditions are different, the results might be different. Different conditions could be anything, really.
For example, feeling pressure from your partner because he really wants you to orgasm could set the stage for disappointment. Or if you’re resentful to your partner because he didn’t do the dishes earlier in the day, is a sure way to keep your mind working.
So please fix your environment. Make sure you have the right context.
4. Reading technical advice on how to achieve an orgasm can actually work.
It can work because some women might start to feel more at ease around their sexuality just by reading about pleasure and how it is actually permitted. Recommended even!
It works because some advice is really playful and fun.
Some advice incorporates other women’s struggle which makes you realize that you’re normal – a lot of women have similar issues.
Which means you can relax. Which means you can orgasm.
So please, read the technical advice. But keep in mind that the technical side of an orgasm is only a very small part of the picture.
They say that for couples who have a good sex life, sex is a non-issue, but for those couples that don’t enjoy their sex lives – sex is a very big matter.
We could say the same about the female orgasm:
Women that generally delight in their sex lives, don’t see orgasms as an issue. But for women who struggle with their orgasms, the lack of orgasms can cause some serious concerns.
Here is my dare for you for today:
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