I wish I had a dollar for every time a woman tells me that she told her loving and caring partner what pleases her in bed (usually more than once) and yet he doesn’t seem to follow through. He simply doesn’t do it, or does it once and that’s it, or does it for 30 seconds and stops just when she’s getting into it.

What gives? They have a great relationship, they respect and care for each other — but when it comes to sex, his actions could be interpreted as if he doesn’t care.

There are a few things at play here.

If you are a woman in a similar situation, understanding this will help you get your partner on board:

Your man wants to please you.

Most men attain an immense sense of satisfaction by knowing that they were responsible for their woman’s happiness.

When it comes to sex, hardly anything is more exciting for your man than seeing you getting excited, turned on, and climaxing by his touch. When he tries as best he can to please you and you don’t orgasm, he is most likely going to feel bad about himself. Did your partner ever blame you for taking too long? Or told you that something is wrong with you because you didn’t climax? It is not because he’s mean. It’s more likely that he is ashamed and frustrated that he didn’t succeed in his task of making you happy.

Instead of blaming him for not doing it right — come up with a better plan of teaching him how you like it to be done. My favorite teaching technique will be revealed shortly. First, let’s dive deeper into the reason why your man is probably going about the wrong way to please you.

Porn has educated and shaped the way we approach sex.

Combine the overarching availability of hardcore porn with the lack of proper understanding of how arousal and pleasure work for women, and you set yourself for trouble. Many people believe that going at it hard and fast is supposed to induce a great deal of pleasure. In reality, few are the women that enjoy this type of sex at all. Women tend to prefer taking things slowly and tenderly. Interestingly enough, when men are giving the slow and tender style of sex a go, they report to enjoy it tremendously themselves, too. But how do you get your man to actually try it? Clearly, telling him what you like didn’t really work .

It’s time for you to teach your man how enjoyable slow sex can be. How exactly do you teach him? This is what we’ll cover next.

Most men are more tactile than auditory.

They respond to touch, and they learn by physical example. This is the main reason that telling your man what and how you like things did not work so far. Now it’s your turn to teach your man by example. You need to reeducate your man by showing him — not telling him — what you love and enjoy specifically. What makes you feel amazing. And what transforms you into the sex partner of his dreams: someone who enjoys and is looking forward to having sex with him.

Here is my personal favorite recipe for teaching a man how to touch you:

The Erotic Massage.

Dedicate at least 1 hour for this.

Set up your lovemaking space with a comfortable mattress for a massage. Your bed will definitely do for this. Dim the lights, put on some “spa” type of music, and oil your hands with just a dab of your favorite oil. Coconut oil seems to be all the rave these days.

Get your partner to lie down, and start massaging him. Slowly. Gently.

This is not a deep tissue massage. This is your time to celebrate his body. And to connect to your own erotic being while you’re at it. Move your body in a way that makes you feel loving. Allow yourself to feel pleasure by touching him. Don’t try to do the things that he enjoys: do whatever makes you feel sensual. Whatever turns you on at that very moment. Breathe.

Have you ever watched a massage-porn movie? Forget everything you saw there. Start with a blank page and let your own body dictate what you do.

After a while, hopefully, both of you will feel turned on enough for sex. Make sure you continue the exact same thing you did during the massage while you are having sex. Breathe. Take it slowly. Do whatever feels pleasurable in your own body. Don’t try and please your partner. This whole session is about demonstrating to him the beauty of taking things slowly. Make sure he understands.

If things start to get too fast— slow down your body movements. Smile. Look him in the eye. Perhaps even stop and rest in stillness.

Do not let him take over. Remember, you have an important role here. You are teaching him what you really like. That which has the potential to become the most amazing sex life, together.

Hopefully, you will be able to fully enjoy yourself until the very end.

Now it’s time to tell him — in words — how amazing it was for you. How you feel connected to him. How content you are. And ask him if he wouldn’t mind if you did this again every now and then.

Rome was not built in a day.

Unlearning a lifetime of fast-paced sex might take a little while.

Repeat the Erotic Massage more than once. It doesn’t have to be the exact same routine. Make some changes, introduce a bit of spice. And whatever you do, make sure you really enjoy it.

It might take a few massages for him to internalize that this is how you really like things. And there’s a good chance he would enjoy it so much himself that he would continue to explore it with you.

Sex with a long-term partner has its ups and downs.

Like everything else in your shared life, there are better times and there are worse. Sometimes you’ll be knocked off your feet by a totally amazing sex experience, other times you might have a completely bland or disappointing experience. No one gives any guarantees. Aim for a general trajectory of improvement, and you should be fine.