Today I wanted to share with you something that you might be surprised to learn.
But first, a bit of background.
I started my slow-sex journey about 15 years ago now.
I was in a long term relationship that was far from ideal,
And our sex life was quite miserable.
On the rare occasions we did have sex, it was not enjoyable.
Not for me – and I dare say not for my partner as well.
As soon as I started researching into slow sex, something deep within me changed.
Sex stopped being something to be ashamed of,
And it started becoming a holistic experience.
It was a gradual journey.
And although the relationship that propelled me into the slow sex journey did not last,
I had the opportunity to explore this journey with a few partners that I met after.
The partners that I met, were either already familiar with practicing sex mindfully and slowly,
They became quite enthusiastic about slow sex after I introduced them to the concept.
I started writing about slow sex from a confident space,
Thinking that my (limited) experience is an indicator that most people –
Men and women – will enjoy slow sex once they give it a chance.
Through my writing, I came across quite a few women that were hesitant to tell their partner about slow sex,
Because they thought their partner will not give up having sex “the conventional way”.
And I taught how to bring up the topic of
Slow sex with a partner that might not seem interested,
How to get them on board without suggesting that they are doing anything wrong.
Then, a few months ago, I started dating a guy that really challenged me.
The man I am seeing now was not into slow sex.
To be honest, the first time we had sex can only be described as bad.
To be even honest-er, it was the worst sex that I had in a while.
He knew I was into slow sex –
We spoke about it before
I write about this stuff
So it sure comes up in a conversation when I’m dating someone!)
I also knew that he has decided a while ago to let go of orgasming while having sex.
In other words, he was into non-goal-oriented sex, which I assumed means he’s going to be slow.
But I was wrong.
He was super gentle and slow before we had penetrative sex.
And I expected the gentleness and slow-liness to extend into penetration.
However, during penetration, his movements became WAAAAAY too fast for me,
And it felt more like tag-o-war than lovemaking.
After a little while (that felt too long, I must admit),
We stopped, and told each other that at least from there it can only get better.
I was starting to plan how I’m going to convert this guy
And make a slow-sex virtuoso out of him.
I needed to use all those techniques that I taught others and confirm that it still works for me.
How I teach my man slow sex.
During the last few months,
I had moments when I lost my confidence.
Although sex had become immensely better since that miserable first time,
I wasn’t convinced that he is getting into slow sex.
I was doubting that my teaching techniques even work on him.
At times, I felt unworthy,
Especially as he was telling me about some fucking-adventurous sexual experiences that he had
With previous partners.
And even though he told me many times that he LOVES having sex with me.
Six months into our sexual journey together, I can proudly say, that my efforts were completely and utterly worth it.
Not because he’s now a slow-sex addict that wouldn’t have sex any other way – not at all.
It’s because we both came closer to each other and we’re finding our own unique rhythm.
A sex adventure that works for the two of us.
Not one that you read in “how to have sex” books.
It’s not conventional sex.
It’s not slow sex, either.
It’s intuitive sex that works for us.
It’s a work in progress.
It’s a journey of exploring and letting go and staying true to ourselves
And at the same time being there for the other one,
Learning how to enjoy him and how to let him enjoy me.
And it’s definitely not linear.
The way we learn to totally and completely enjoy each other has its ups and downs.
Sometimes when we have sex it’s still a bit “meh…”
But the general trajectory is onward and upward.
And that’s the important thing.
Let me tell you how I am teaching my man to enjoy slow sex.
Here it is, in a nutshell.
I touch him the way I want to be touched.
I also touch him the way he likes to be touched, of course.
But I make sure to also touch him the way I like being touched myself.
This includes long, sensual strokes.
It includes erotic massages (which I wrote about in lengths a couple of weeks ago).
It also includes putting my hands on his hands and adjusting his movements so it matches what I like.
I stop him when I feel uncomfortable.
This point is a big one.
Many women are afraid to stop their partner.
Sometimes even when they are experiencing pain.
They are afraid to hurt him,
Or they might have some underlying belief that his pleasure is more important than their comfort.
Or they think that true commitment means that they need to allow them to use their body.
But let me tell you something.
A loving partner will never prioritize their own pleasure if they knew their partner is uncomfortable.
Would you continue enjoying yourself if you knew that by doing so, your partner is feeling uncomfortable?
I don’t think so.
It would make you feel uncomfortable, and you will stop.
Please always remember this.
Your caring, loving partner would appreciate it if you let them know that something they do doesn’t feel good.
And if you are afraid their ego might not like it,
You can always talk about it later.
Ask them openly.
Tell them that you are sometimes afraid to be honest because you don’t want to hurt them.
And that you want them to feel satisfied.
And see where this conversation might take you.
I remind myself that there’s no rush.
Slow sex is all about taking our time.
It’s about allowing and accepting.
It’s a slow journey.
And this is exactly what we need to practice when we’re going into slow sex.
There’s no point expecting that my guy will become a slow-sex champion within a day.
Or any other time frame for that matter.
We have been learning each other’s rhythm for the last 6 months,
And the journey itself was so enjoyable,
That now when I look back I feel grateful that we are taking our time on this journey.
It keeps getting better and better all the time.
I want to be completely transparent,
Most of the time, when we’re having sex, it’s just nice.
Nothing more, nothing less.
But – and it’s a big but – there is never bad sex anymore.
And every now and then it’s so fantastically over the top that I think to myself,
“How can it ever get better than that?”
And then a little while later, it does.
But mostly, it is just nice.
I push my own limits and boundaries.
I will always be a slow-sex advocate.
Slow, mindful sex has changed my sex life from an unpleasurable one
To a sex life that is wholehearted and full of joy.
That uneasy, unexplainable feeling that accompanied my sex life
And an uplifting, exciting feeling took its place.
Sex has become a beautiful, innocent activity that I make sure is being celebrated in my life.
I thought slow sex is the only way that works for me when it comes to sex.
But what I find now, is that while I am teaching this gorgeous loving man
a thing or two (or ten) about slow sex,
He is also teaching me that my body
Together with my entire being,
Can respond very positively to a more conventional way of having sex.
And as he becomes more deliberately slow in his approach,
I am also learning that I can, in fact,
Fully enjoy sex that is more exciting, hot, and mainstream,
And still feel connected.
To my pleasure,
To the pure nature of lovemaking
That I previously thought I can only access while having mindful sex.
I was not into conventional sex, and my man is showing me that I can feel completely
Loving, innocent, and connected while having sex that is not necessarily slow.
My man was not into slow sex, and he was definitely going slow just to please me,
But in doing so he has learnt to enjoy a whole new dimension of pleasure that he didn’t connect to before he met me.
This is what your partner will thank you for.
Your partner might think that your sex life is OK.
But once you start your own journey into sex that is alive,
Connected, and wholehearted,
There is no turning back.
Your partner will thank you for taking your love life to the next level.
You need to do this for your own sake.
And I promise you, that your change will not go unnoticed.
Your partner will realize it, one way or another,
Even if they don’t completely subscribe to the mindful sex way of doing things.
Your partner will thank you for bringing connection, heart, and joy into your sex life,
Because they will feel your transformation and they will love every bit of it.