Our daily lives are full of fast pace interactions. If something is not exactly the way we want it to be, we are going to fix it, using ready-made solutions and expecting immediate results.
This infiltrates our sex life. If our sex life is not as exciting and mind-blowing as we think it should be, we decide to spice things up to make it that way: we add sex toys, fantasy, trying new positions, mixing partners… anything external that can provide more thrill.
But the truth is, the extra thrill is actually the very same thing that is hindering our sensitivity. It’s diminishing our innate capability of limitless pleasure. The reason is, the number of nerve endings in the genital regions is truly huge (try 8000 for the clitoris alone!), making our genitals very (very!) sensitive. When we overstimulate them with vibrators, dildos, and even just by plain old powerful thrusting, the body will shut itself to the overstimulation – it simply can’t handle it – and thus we will gradually need more and more stimulation to get excited.
By contrast, when we remove all external stimuli and place our attention on the very subtle sensations that stream throughout our body during sex, we teach ourselves to become more attuned to what is really going on in our body at the moment.
This is when Slow Sex comes into the picture.
In order to be totally immersed with those subtle sensations in our body, there’s no way around it, we must keep it slow. Very very slow. The more attention we bring to the process, the merrier.
It’s like meditating during sex.
What can I expect when I start practicing Slow Sex?
Truthfully, when you are starting out with Slow Sex it’s better to expect nothing. The experience of sex gradually changes its focus from the goal of reaching an orgasm, to the “goal” of noticing what is happening in your body at any given moment. You might feel many varied sensations (numbness, electricity, bubbles, pain… You name it) and you might feel nothing at all (remember, our body tried to shut itself from overly intense sensations, and now it might take a little time to regain the sensitivity).
But if you really do need something positive to look for, the ongoing practice of Slow Sex will provide quite a few benefits.
I’ll start by mentioning that the entire sex experience is fulfilling. Yes, even if some sensations are not pleasant. Yes, even if there’s no climax. Yes, even if your partner is not fully on board (more on this in another blog post). And no, I can’t explain why. You will simply have to try and see for yourself.
Another thing is, at the end of a Slow Sex session you can expect feeling energized, as the sexual energy kind of “gets absorbed back into the body” instead of being “spent out” if that makes sense.
Once you experience sexual satisfaction as the norm for you, you can expect – in due course – a boost in your self-esteem and confidence, which can have some profound implications on the way you relate to your partner and the way you communicate with your partner.
What should I not expect when I start practicing Slow Sex?
Mind blowing, world-shattering, multiple orgasms.
I’m sorry to say, but if you expect them, you might be disappointed. On the other hand, some women can experience a significant change in their attitude towards orgasms, which MAY lead to the diminishing of the importance of having an orgasm in the first place. And it may lead to the experience of some really amazing climaxes.
Also, the results might not be immediate. Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren’t. The fewer expectations you have from the practice of Slow Sex, the better.
Sharing my personal journey into Slow Sex
At this point of my writing, I shall take a short detour in order to briefly write my own impressions of Slow Sex.
I started learning about Slow Sex in my late 20’s. Back then, I was not really enjoying sex. It was kind-of-okay, but my memories of having sex are mostly of me trying to please my partner, and also of me fantasizing during intercourse just to help me get excited. It was almost as if sex was some kind of a chore that needed to be taken care of.
When I first stumbled upon the concept of Slow Sex, I was profoundly moved. I was already interested in meditation and mindful awareness, and the thought of bringing these into the sex practice was so simple and so obvious that I was totally amazed – how come I didn’t think about it myself? And how come no one ever told me this before?
Later, throughout my 30’s, I had a few short term relationships and one longer relationship. Some of the guys I was with, knew what I was doing (and, to my surprise, they really enjoyed Slow Sex themselves), but some didn’t have a clue. My main focus when applying Slow Sex was rather simple: staying with what is – meaning, focusing on the sensations that I experienced during sex. The detail of what I technically did is a huge subject that deserves a blog post for itself, but what I want to share, for now, is the shift that happened for me.
Initially, I still wanted the excitement. And in particular, I wanted to experience the conventional (climax) orgasms. I was not focusing on having an orgasm because I was focusing on the moment (at least as much as I could manage…), but underlying was still the hope that an orgasm would arrive, and the disappointment if it didn’t.
Gradually, the focus on the current sensations has truly taken over. And now it’s pretty consistent and truly amazing. With my current partner, sex is mostly slow and beautiful and deeply fulfilling. The entire concept of sex has changed in me forever, and now sex has once again become natural, innocent, and loving. To the extent that I find it really easy to talk about it and start to blog about it. To the extent that I find it very comfortable to ask what I want from my partner. To the extent that I feel completely in line with my own sexuality, which might be totally different with society’s concept of sexuality.
Something that I do find interesting, though, is that on the rare occasions that I have “conventional” sex with my partner (meaning, faster movements and thrusts), I feel a very strong urge to have that climax type of orgasm, and I don’t feel fulfilled if it doesn’t happen… And at the same time, these days that type of orgasm is relatively easy to “achieve”, and I think it has everything to do with the fact that, as a whole, my sex life is so fulfilling and exciting and there’s no need for efforting anymore.
What are the techniques of the Slow Sex practice?
There are a few different styles for practicing Slow Sex. What you need to remember is, that the focus is actually NOT the technique, but the mindset. The mindset of mindfulness and awareness.
The different styles of Slow Sex have a few things in common, all of which help with facilitating an aware characteristic for having sex:
- Slow movements, sometimes even keeping totally still, for lengthy periods of times.
- Focusing on what happens in any given moment, instead of on achieving some orgasmic goal.
- Practicing sex with lights on. Looking at your partner during sex – as opposed to closing your eyes.
- Focusing on your sensations instead of your performance.
- Focusing on relaxing muscles that usually tend to get contracted during sex.
- High level of communication about sex. This includes: planning when to have the slow sex practice; talking about the sensations and emotions that come up for both partners, while they happen; telling each other what you really want and what truly makes you feel connected.
- A sense of playfulness and aliveness. In other words – stop taking sex so seriously – experiment and have fun!!!
For a better understanding of Slow Sex, a good starting point would be to do the free e-course “How to Truly, Wholeheartedly Enjoy Lovemaking”.