Why don’t they just ask us?


If you read my article about how to get men to do what you want in bed, you might be left wondering why do we even need to do that?

Why is it our responsibility to teach and explain?

This is exactly what one of my frustrated readers asked me the other day:

I have been with loving, caring people that want to please me.

When it comes to sex, I focus on giving them what they need and want, but I haven’t experienced the reciprocation.

Why do I need to be the one to tell them what to do? Why don’t men start the conversation? 

This is such an important question.

Why are we, women, the ones to make the effort?

The answer, as usual, is not one-dimensional. There are a few things we should be addressing.

First and foremost, some men actually do start the conversation.

Some men are proactive in the search for satisfying their woman in bed. Nearly 50% of those who read my newsletter — which is promoted for women only — are men.

These are the men who do their best to make sure their woman is satisfied in bed. They educate themselves not just through reading, but also proactively asking questions, finding answers, and observing their woman’s responses to their touch.

However, and I am aware of this, it is not the majority of men that do that.

Many men rely on the wrong resources when learning what women want and love in bed.

There are the obvious wrong resources, such as porn and mainstream media depictions of sex, which nearly always cater to men and for women who enjoy the same style of sex.

And then there are the not-so-obvious ones. 

Such as past experiences of only being with the type of women who prefer this same style of sex.

Or being with women who faked it and made them believe they were doing everything right.

Or being with women that felt uncomfortable talking about sex and never let them know how they like things.

No wonder these men think that all women enjoy sex the exact same way they have always been practicing it.

So why should we, women, be the ones to make the effort to teach and ask and educate?

Men have it so easy — we can pretty much touch them and they’re all in.

Or is this just a stereotype both women and men learn to believe?

Here’s a fun fact to add to this article:

According to some, in the Middle Ages, women were viewed as those with the insatiable sex drive. They were believed to enjoy sex much more than men, always ready for action. Plus, the ruling perception was it was easier for women than for men to enjoy sex.

But those beliefs are irrelevant today.

In this day and age, our understanding is that women’s experience of sex is not as satisfying as men’s experience. At least statistically speaking.

A cross-national study of sexual satisfaction confirmed what we already suspected:

…men reported higher levels of satisfaction than women, regardless of sociocultural context. The results of this study showed that mean levels of satisfaction were, in general, lower for women than men…

These findings are in line with what many women experience in the bedroom. Seeing the man they’re with is rather happy with a simple sex routine, one that involves getting himself excited, which results in him having an orgasm. While her excitement and orgasm, as important as they might be, are often treated as secondary, something that might or might not happen along the way.

Although this attitude is shifting and changing, it is still the reality for many women today.

It’s simply not fair.

Now the question that we need to ask ourselves is, should we do anything about it?

On one hand, we can let ourselves go deeper into thinking it’s unfair.

It is completely justified.

After all, why should we be the ones to initiate the uncomfortable conversation about how we are not satisfied in bed? 

Why should we be the ones taking the risk that our partner will resent us for letting him know he needs to be better for us?

On the other hand, if we want things to change for the better, we must be courageous. We must be the ones to speak out, explain, and demonstrate.

At some stage, we must move on from that feeling of how unfair the situation is, and dive into the realm of action.

We must do better for things to change for us. 

It is our responsibility — not just because we want things to improve for us in bed, but the ripple effect of opening that conversation up with our partner is massive.

The ability to discuss all things sex in a mature, constructive, open, vulnerable, fashion is beyond liberating.

It’s transformational.


I used to be uncomfortable discussing sex. My love life used to be quite disappointing at the time.

Now I start talking about sex with a new partner before we even have sex for the first time.

It’s almost inconceivable for me these days to have sex with someone before talking to them about it.

You might think that I’m killing the spontaneity, that I’m ruining it for both my partner and for me.

I beg to differ.

I see how my partner’s eyes open and shine when we have this conversation for the first time.

The enthusiasm is not diminished because of this talk, on the contrary.

Anticipation builds and the elation is high.

And there’s plenty of room for spontaneity that rises within a safe container that we both agree on.

And this conversation is an ongoing one, too.

Telling each other what we want and how we want it adds to the excitement. It’s like having dirty talk — only it’s not dirty. It’s clean and loving and respectful.

Oh, and it’s exciting. Did I mention how exciting it is? It just is. Both for me and for my partner.

How to start that conversation:

Now that we established that there’s no point in asking why men don’t initiate this conversation themselves; now that we moved on and stepped up and decided to make our sex life tremendously better, the question we need to ask is HOW.

How can we do this without hurting, blaming, shaming, or making them feel bad about themselves?

That’s a big question, and if you want to read a detailed answer please read here or watch my video here. But to make things short, it’s best to come to this conversation open-minded and vulnerable.

Don’t be the one who knows it all.

Make suggestions, not demands.

And don’t expect him to change his life-long habits in one day.

Be patient, loving, giving, and demonstrative.

More than anything, be courageous.

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