The other day I had the honor of speaking to Xanet Pailet, the woman behind The Power of Pleasure. She said she had a different experience to something I wrote about orgasms. In my article “Things everything should know about the female orgasm” I stated that – an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. I mentioned that science hasn’t found any particular difference in an orgasm that was achieved by stimulating one part of the female body versus another part of the body. Xanet, on the other hand, claims that numerous women she has been working with have reported differently. According to her, orgasms produced by stimulating – for example, the G-spot, feel completely different than orgasms that came about by stimulating the clitoris.

It looks like I was wrong.

Let’s start with the research itself.

Something that always bothered me with researching women’s sexuality is, that the women who participate in studies are women who feel relatively comfortable with having measuring equipment stuck in and on their body. And then they are relatively comfortable with having an orgasm for the sake of science.

Not the best sample group who is supposed to be representing all women.

Add to that, research suggests that the intensity that women describe the orgasm to be does not correlate with what the measuring equipment reports. In other words: the subjective experience of the orgasm does not correlate with the objective eye of science. This is another form of Arousal Nonconcordance which I mentioned in my last article.

Add to all of that (as Xanet rightfully added), there’s still not enough research that compares the differences between orgasms types to actually make a conclusion.

So is there a difference between G-spot stimulated orgasm and a clitoral-stimulated orgasm?

An orgasm is a subjective experience.

See, the reason I wrote that there’s no difference between “types” of orgasms in the first place, was because I despise the fact that women are being told that there is a “better” type of orgasm that they “should” achieve.

There’s enough of us that struggle with the concept of orgasm as it is.

And I want to move our society’s understanding of sex from being a “race for the orgasm” to one of cultivating a connection between two human beings.

Confession: I never experienced a G-spot orgasm.

And if we’re at it – I have never experienced A-spot orgasms, nipple orgasms, anal orgasms, and thought orgasms.

You might think it’s surprising that I even dare to write about sex and sexuality when my personal experience of sex is so limited.

Thing is, I don’t feel the need to experience a huge high when I have sex. On the contrary. Before I realized it, when I still thought about sex as a means to an orgasm, my sex life was miserable. I was trying to have an orgasm – I had a goal in mind. And the more I tried, the more I felt frustrated when it didn’t come. And when I did orgasm – they were not satisfying. I was always trying to have a better one. Maybe physically they were OK, but emotionally they were lacking. My orgasms were empty.

Orgasms are not supposed to be fireworks and explosives. Sometimes, some people can experience them as such, that’s true. But does this mean that’s what we all should be aiming for?

These days, my focus is exploring my pleasure.

By myself or with a partner, I do my best to listen to my body.

I notice that what I enjoy and what I do not enjoy is fluctuating.

At this stage in my life, I do not feel a need to mechanically induce a specific type of orgasm. I don’t want to follow the instructions to learn how to orgasm from this spot or the other. I still enjoy just being an explorer without a map. My compass is my body and its’ signals.

Of course, this could change any moment. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel like exploring a specific “type” of orgasm.

Our culture really loves the adrenaline rush. We like fast cars, extreme sports, high achievements. Out-of-this-world, earth-shattering orgasms.

I like being calm and peaceful. And having slow sex usually gives me the bizarre (almost impossible to describe) feeling of being high and quiet at the same time. It’s just is. An orgasm that appears in this space, does not alter that state of being. It is being observed and enjoyed exactly as any other phenomena that happen before and after its experience.

I know I’m the odd one out. I’m not a person that seeks thrills. I never tried any mind-altering drugs. I do my best to navigate life while staying calm.

Am I depriving my partner for not exploring more?

Funnily enough – and although I am sure some men would feel deprived  – the partners who I attracted to my life where very appreciative of my approach to sex.

The fact that I allow myself to be exactly what I am, allowed them to be exactly what they are. We do not demand or expect that the other partner will do things to please us. And this gives rise to both of us simply giving, with all our hearts and desire, when the wish to give arises.

Sure, sometimes we give the other something without completely being into it – just for the sake of pleasing our partner. I think that’s a natural and normal part of being in a relationship. And it’s true not just for sex.

However, going back to the original topic, the partners I have been with seemed like a good match and they enjoyed practicing slow sex with me.

It seems like for many people – men and women alike – the deep intimacy of connection is at least as gratifying as the thrill of a really explosive orgasm.

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