I write a lot about how sex, done in a slow, relaxed, calm manner, is a great tool for transforming our approach to sex altogether. It is very profound in creating the strong bond between yourself and your partner, and it also helps people (not just women, mind you!) overcome their anxieties that are associated with sex.

All this said, I wanted to share with you, that it doesn’t mean that you only need to practice sex in one way or another.

Once you established the confidence in your body’s innate ability to enjoy itself, you learn how to make sex enjoyable for yourself, your way. You don’t need any rules.

Sometimes you might start a slow sex session and it will escalate into a hot, steamy, powerful experience. Sometimes you might start a full-on, raunchy, “eat-each-other-up” foreplay that will turn into a deep, slow, 2 hours penetrative session. Sometimes you just want a very quick release before the kids wake up. And sometimes you might even fall asleep during penetration.

I wanted to write this tiny “getting real” piece so you’ll know, that it’s all ok. Sex is just sex. Nothing more, nothing less. It doesn’t need to be all fireworks and explosives.

What needs to be consistent, to the best degree that you can manage, is making sure that you enjoy it. In saying that, sometimes we do things only to please our partner. That’s totally fine and it’s part of being in a relationship. But make sure that you are truly OK with giving to your partner. That you don’t feel sorry for yourself. That you don’t resent him later. That you don’t think to yourself: “I wish he didn’t do that right now because it doesn’t feel good”.

If you decide to do something solely to please your partner, it needs to be done with 100% acceptance, 100% integrity. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this for him?” If the answer is “YES!!”, perfect, go for it. If the answer is “Not really…”, then you’ll need to communicate it with him.

Be gentle with your no, and firm (“Oh, you know how it turns me on when you do that… It’s just that I’m too stressed right now, my mind is not giving me a break… How about starting again tonight after my important meeting?” or something along those lines)

Learning to say no to the people we love is sometimes a bit tricky. So I’ll leave you with an idea that one of my teachers, Saida Desilets, made me realize. Every time you want to say “no” to someone else, and instead, you communicate a “yes”, you are actually saying “no” to yourself.